This survey was forwarded to me by my Facebook friend Jill. Several questions were missing (17-23, 29-33, 36-37, 45). I filled in the blanks with my own questions and answers, then added a bonus question at the end. I also awarded myself 100 Facebook Points™ for answering them all.
Here are the instructions included with the survey:
Welcome to the 2009 edition of getting to know your Friends. ‘Press FORWARD’ then change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known!
Well, enough chitchat . . . let’s talk about me!
1. What time did you get up this morning? The voices woke me at 2:34 AM, Tuesday, April 7, and haven’t let me go back to sleep since. A buzz, but a harsh one.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Is this a test? Can I choose the new car instead? Or just take the cash?
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Ooh, “the cinema,” is it? Since you ask, it was Le Retour de Martin Guerre by Daniel Vigne, with Gérard Depardieu and Nathalie Baye. In the original French. With no subtitles.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Of all time? That would have to be the episode of South Park where the terrorists put a nuke in Hillary Clinton’s snatch!
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Whatever the dog is having.
6. What is your middle name? Forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually it’s LaVelle, and I’d appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.
7. What food do you dislike? I generally dislike food that is inedible, poisonous, or embedded with shards of glass.
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? Off the Bone by The Cramps (1983 illegal bootleg).
9. What kind of car do you drive? In my dreams, or for real? Either way, I can’t afford it.
10. Favorite sandwich? Oh, any old thing stuck between two slices of bread, as long as eating it bestows everlasting life.
11. What characteristic do you despise? An uneducated accent, among many others.
12. Favorite item of clothing? That which covereth my nakedness.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Lemuria, the ancient land of egg-laying apes.
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Baby Phat®: hip teen clothing with an urban edge!
15. Where would you like to retire to? The land of Kane-Huna-Moku, for there is no land to be compared to it in excellence.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My 16th, when father hired that whore.
17. Why? Why not!
18. Vanilla or French Vanilla? That depends on whether we’re talking Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen-Daas.
19. Push or pull? I find it easier to push, so my answer is “push,” pronounced “poosh.”
20. Heterosexuality or homosexuality? Oh, it’s heterosexuality for me, not that there’s anything wrong with the other . . . wait a minute, yes there is!
21. God or not God? Not, though I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there is one, and that He simply doesn’t care.
22. The Office: British or US version? Both. I was a British version snob at first, but the US version has grown on me.
23. Would you attempt to climb Mt. Everest? Fuck no!
24. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us? Uh, they found the guy who killed Chandra Levy? The Somali pirates still have that captain dude held hostage? Tiger Woods won another tournament? I’m pregnant?
25. What did you want to be when you were little? Big.
26. How are you today? Big. What a cruel fucking joke life is.
27. What is your favorite sweet? Chocopologie by Knipschildt of South Warwalk, Connecticut, at $2,600.00 per pound. Hey, I can dream, right?
28. What is your favorite flower? The Rafflesia of Singapore, which blooms once each millennium. I missed it last time around, but if I live another 900 years . . .
29. What is your private nickname for your private part? Peter O’Tool.
30. What is your private part’s nickname for you? I’m not sure it thinks, let alone names things.
31. If you had to choose between terrorists killing a small child or a puppy, would you be able to? Aw, what kind of a twisted fucked up sadistic question is that?
32. Which is more repulsive, a tarantula or a scorpion? Rush Limbaugh.
33. Legs, asses, or tits? With me it’s faces, followed by legs, then asses. Why? Are you planning to show me some body parts? Shit, you were, weren’t you, and here I just let you off the hook by telling you I’m a face guy. Can I take this one over?
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? One of the three colors discontinued by Crayola: Indian Red, Flesh, or Prussian Blue.
35. How is the weather right now? It seems fine, but it could be really sick and I wouldn’t have any way of knowing, now, would I?
36. Would you, could you, with a knife? I would not, could not, with a knife.
37. Where’s Waldo? In the upper right corner, between the blades of the windmill, just above the Viking with the bicycle.
38. Favorite restaurant? Modern Toilet in Taipei.
39. Real hair color? Jill, with guys the question should be “real hair?”
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? That stick. God, I miss that stick. They took it away from me. Because they were afraid I’d stick my stick in my eye. But I wouldn’t have, really!
41. Summer or winter? Seasons? We live in Arizona, for fuck’s sake!
42. Hugs or kisses? Hugs, but they have to be French hugs.
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? They both come from a bean. Which begs the question, why don’t they make bean ice cream?
44. Coffee or tea? The question should be “coffee, tea, or me?” and my answer would be “you.”
45. Who you momma? Yo momma!
46. When was the last time you cried? When I opened my last 401K statement.
47. What is under your bed? Things the dog hides, a carpet, a floor, a concrete slab, dirt, bedrock, magma, molten core, magma, bedrock, dirt, China.
48. What did you do last night? Do you mean the part of the night when I was awake, or the part where I slept? Oh, wait a minute, I haven’t slept for several days . . . I’ve been listening to the voices. They’re telling me to stuff towels under all the doors.
49. What are you afraid of? Whatever’s trying to squeeze in under the doors!
50. Salty or sweet? I’ve been told they’re salty. If I were more limber, I’d check.
51. How many keys on your key ring? I keep my keys in a little enameled box with a portrait of Leon Trotsky on the lid. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is allowed to touch them without my permission.
52. How many years at your current job? Can we skip straight to the part where I show up at work with several guns and shoot everyone?
53. Favorite day of the week? Hump day, hands down.
54. How many towns have you lived in? One. It was a town without pity. And it isn’t very pretty what a town without pity can do.
55. Do you make friends easily? Making imaginary friends is easy, but then they start talking to me when I’m trying to sleep, which can be quite annoying. Real people tend to ignore me.
56. How many people will you send this to? Real people or imaginary people? It’s an important distinction, you know. Or it would be, if I had any real friends.
57. How many will respond? For real? No one, because I’ve decided not to send it to any real people. They’d just ignore me anyway.
58. Isn’t it odd that this survey has 57 questions? Yes, very odd. Don’t lists of questions come in multiples of ten, like 20 or 50 or 100? What’s up with 57? The only 57 I can think of is Heinz, which makes me think of Teresa Heinz Kerry, which makes me think of Laura Bush, which makes me think of Barbara Bush, which makes me think of bush! See? From numbers to boinking, with only five degrees of separation! And I could have done it in four, if only Laura was my type.