Get it write, you slob’s!
Most hashers are happy to help when trails need to be laid, beer hauled, or goodie bags stuffed. But when the trash needs to be written, it’s like, “Hey, where’d everybody go?”
That’s because most of us are self-conscious about our writing. We worry about spelling, grammar, putting our thoughts into words and expressing them clearly. Mostly we worry that our fellow hashers will make fun of our writing. Putting words down on paper for everyone to see can be downright scary.
But it shouldn’t be scary. The principles of writing a good hash trash are simple and easy to remember. And in the spirit of making the hash a better place to be, I’m going to share them with you! Just memorize this little list of rights & wrongs:
- Wrong: “Dear Flying Booger, We would like to solicit Your approval of Our Web Page as Cool Hash Page of The Month.”
- Right: “dear flying booger, give us the award OR ELSE.”
Apostrophe’s are Your Friend.
- Wrong: “Hash T-Shirts for Sale.”
- Right: “Hash T-Shirt’s for Sale.”
Except When it Comes to Your.
- Wrong: “You’re a great hash scribe. I love your hash trash.”
- Right: “Your a great hash scribe. I love you’re hash trash.”
Avoid Hurt Feelings with Gender-Neutral Pronouns.
- Wrong: “The harrier put his hashit down and said he was sorry.”
- Right: “The person put their hashit down and said it was sorry.”
The Passive Voice is Avoided.
- Wrong: “Private parties are not held by Hashers in this circle.”
- Right: “Private party! Drink it down, down, down, down . . . “
Trust Your Ears.
- Wrong: “Our GM’s a tyrant, for all intents and purposes. He makes us say the Pledge, you know, ‘and to the republic for which it stands . . . ‘”
- Right: “Our GM’s a tyrant, for all intensive purposes. He makes us say the Pledge, you know, ‘and to the republic for Richard Stands . . . ‘”
Paid Attention to Tenses.
- Wrong: “I am going to the hash yesterday.”
- Right: “I went to the hash. I am going yesterday.”
“Quote” People Accurately.
- Wrong: “Larry said, ‘Flying Booger committed libel against me.’”
- Right: “Larry said, and I quote, ‘Flying Booger commited liable against me.’”
The End of a Sentence is Not a Place to Put a Preposition at.
- Wrong: “Access Denied ended his sentence with a preposition.”
- Right: “A preposition is what Access Denied ended his sentence with.”
- Righter: “Ended with a preposition, Access Denied, the sentence of.”
Alittle Goes Along Way.
- Wrong: “A good hare uses a lot of flour.”
- Right: “Agood hare uses alot of flour.”
Strive for Elegance.
- Wrong: “Who is accusing who of auto-hashing here?”
- Right: “I say, whom is accusing whom of auto-hashing here, old chap?”
Sprinkle Your Writing with Realistic Dialect.
- Wrong: “Is that Pabst Blue Ribbon?”
- Right: “Hooeee! That be some mutherfuckin’ lame-ass beer!”
Commas are Common; Semi-Colons are Upper Crust.
- Wrong: “Thats quite a trail, you laid there.”
- Right: “That;s quite a trail; you laid there.”
Sentence Fragments Leave You Hanging.
- Wrong: “The hash was.”
- Right: “The hash was. Really long.”
The Pluperfect Subjunctive Has it’s Uses.
- Wrong: “Can a visiting harrier get laid in Boston?”
- Right: “Can a visiting harrier get scrod in Boston?”
Grammar Can be Fun, Too!
- Wrong: “Two rules: Avoid split infinitives and dangling participles.”
- Right: “Heh heh heh! Colon! Split! Dangle! Heh heh heh heh heh heh!”
Exclamation Points are for Emphasis!!!
- Wrong: “Watch out! Fart Master’s passing a new computer virus around!”
- Right: “Watch out!!!!! Fart Master’s passing a new computer virus around!!!!!!! That fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!”
Improper Nouns Indicate Improper Thoughts.
- Wrong: “He put his finger in her snatch.”
- Right: “He inserted his questing love digit into her Tunnel of Love.”
Hey, it’s that simple, harriers & harriettes! Just print this list and tape it to the wall by your typewriter or computer, and you need never be ashamed of your writing again.
© 2010 – 2020, Paul Woodford. All rights reserved.