Hash Rating Scale

Here’s a hash rating scale originally devised by ZiPpY and PlayDoh Penis. Readers, what hash rating should your hash get?

  • G-Rated Hash: Beer and snacks, sodas for non-drinkers, names like “Fuzzy Wuzzy,” songs like “He’s a Hasher, He’s True Blue,” new shoes okay, no one pukes, hash over in two hours.
  • PG-Rated Hash: Cases of beer, names like “Tits R Us,” songs like “Yogi Bear,” drink for new shoes, isolated mooning, one harriette turns green and has to sit down, hash over in four hours.
  • PG13-Rated Hash: Keg of beer, names like “Penis Breath,” songs like the “Limerick Song,” drink from new shoes, coed group mooning, two hashers discreetly vomit in the bushes, hash over in six hours.
  • R-Rated HHH: Multiple kegs, names like “Mother’s Little Dildo,” songs like “Fuck the Giant Penis,” new shoes thrown in bonfire, exposed tits and limited frontal nudity, organized target-vomiting, hash over when you have to go to work.
  • NC17-Rated Hash: Unlimited beer for $2.00, names like “Take it Up the Ass Like a Man,” songs like “The S&M Man,” no shoes allowed, nude trails, sex in dark corners, urination on passed-out hashers, pack extinguishes bonfire by puking it out, hash over when you call in sick.
  • X-Rated Hash: Break into a liquor store for Down-Downs; names that draw lighting bolts from the sky and turn their utterers into smoking pillars of salt; songs about fucking relatives, dead people, and animals; compulsory nudity; actual sex with shoes, persons of various genders, or creatures of another species; co-ed pelican drinking, hash over when they lock the paddy wagon door.
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