Tips for Writers
“Get it write, you slob’s!”
Most of us are happy to pitch in when work needs to be done, but when the boss wants someone to write an article for the company newsletter, it’s all “Hey, where’d everybody go?”
That’s because most of us are self-conscious about our writing. We worry that others will make fun of our spelling, our grammar, or our ability to put thoughts into words and express them clearly. Putting words down on paper for everyone to see can be downright scary.
But it shouldn’t be scary. The principles of writing are simple and easy to remember. And in the spirit of making the world a better place to be, I’m going to share them with you! Just memorize this little list of rights & wrongs:
Capitalize Sparingly
- Wrong: “Dear Editor, We would like to solicit Your approval of Our Web Site as Web Site of the Month.”
- Right: “dear editor, give us the award OR ELSE.”
Apostrophe’s Are Your Friend
- Wrong: “T-shirts for sale.”
- Right: “T-shirt’s for sale.”
Except When it Comes to Your
- Wrong: “You’re a great organizer. I love your parties.”
- Right: “Your a great organizer. I love you’re parties.”
Avoid Political Incorrectness with Gender-Neutral Pronouns
- Wrong: “The boy put his slingshot down and said he was sorry.”
- Right: “The person put their slingshot down and said it was sorry.”
The Passive Voice Is Avoided
- Wrong: “Drinking and coarse language are not allowed in this establishment.”
- Right: “Party!”
Trust Your Ears
- Wrong: “Our teacher’s a tyrant, for all intents and purposes. She makes us say the Pledge, you know, ‘and to the republic for which it stands. . . . ‘”
- Right: “Our teacher’s a tyrant, for all intensive purposes. She makes us say the Pledge, you know, ‘and to the republic for Richard Stands. . . . ‘”
Paid Attention to Tenses
- Wrong: “I am going to the library yesterday.”
- Right: “I went to the library. I am going yesterday.”
“Quote” People Accurately
- Right: “George W. Bush said, ‘I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.'”
- Right: “George W. Bush said, ‘You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'”
- Right: “George W. Bush said, ‘Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?'”
The End of a Sentence Is Not a Place to Put a Preposition at
- Wrong: “Jack ended his sentence with a preposition.”
- Right: “A preposition is what Jack ended his sentence with.”
- Righter: “Ended with a preposition, Jack, the sentence of.”
Alittle Goes Along Way
- Wrong: “A good baker uses a lot of flour.”
- Right: “Agood baker uses alot of flour.”
Strive for Elegance
- Wrong: “Who is accusing who of cheating here?”
- Right: “I say, whom is accusing whom of cheating here, old chap?”
Sprinkle Your Writing with Realistic Dialect
- Wrong: “Is this Pabst Blue Ribbon?”
- Right: “Hooeee! This be some motherfuckin’ shit beer!”
Commas Are Common; Semi-Colons Are Upper Crust
- Wrong: “Thats quite a story, you told there.”
- Right: “That;s quite a story; you told there.”
Sentence Fragments Leave You Hanging
- Wrong: “The run was.”
- Right: “The run was. Really long.”
The Pluperfect Subjunctive Has it’s Uses
- Wrong: “Can a tourist get laid in Boston?”
- Right: “Can a tourist get scrod in Boston?”
Grammar Can Be Fun
- Wrong: “Two rules: avoid split infinitives and dangling participles.”
- Right: “Heh heh heh! Colon! Split! Dangle! Heh heh heh heh heh heh!”
Exclamation Points Are for Emphasis!!!
- Wrong: “Watch out! Ann’s passing around a computer virus!”
- Right: “Watch out!!!!! Ann’s passing around a computer virus!!!!!!!”
Improper Nouns Indicate Improper Thoughts
- Wrong: “Hannity has his head in the clouds.”
- Right: “Hannity has his head up his ass.”
Hey, it’s that simple, boys & girls! Just print this list and tape it to the wall by your typewriter or computer, and you need never be ashamed of your writing again.