Ask Dr. Down-Down: Apr 2002

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I’m concerned that my boyfriend is becoming addicted to hashing, but I’m not sure. Are there signs or indications I should be looking for?

On On,
Concerned Girlfriend

Dear Concerned,

Try looking for the ten classical symptoms of hash addiction. If he exhibits three or more, you need to either get a new boyfriend or become a hasher yourself:

  • 10. Whistle indentation in middle of chest.
  • 9. Spends all night on the computer answering messages posted to Hash-L.
  • 8. Would rather pump a keg than you.
  • 7. Most of the numbers in his little black book end in “-HASH.”
  • 6. Caked flour in knuckle hair.
  • 5. Membership brochure from Fat Boys’ Athletic Club on top of dresser.
  • 4. Refuses to romantically sip champagne from your high heels unless you’ve been sweating in them all day.
  • 3. Introduces you to some guy named “ZiPpy.”
  • 2. You can’t find your plumber’s helper anywhere.
  • 1. “Beer hair.”

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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