Long-time readers of the hash discussion list (hash-l@usc.edu) will vividly recall the bizarre behavior of Access Denied (hereinafter known as “AD”), a hasher apparently afflicted with Munchausen’s Syndrome. Or Tourette’s. Or possibly both. AD’s outbursts inspired the Time Channel Rant. Please enjoy.
(segue to Time Channel)
Jack: Well, Bob, it’s two thirty-three, and unless I miss my guess, two thirty-four is right around the corner.
Bob: You got that right, Jack.
Jack: Yessir, folks, coming up on two thirty-four in about 30 seconds.
Bob: Jack, I think we ought to remind our viewers that that would be, uh, fourteen thirty-four on the 24-hour clock.
Jack: By golly, Bob, you’re right, and this is a good time to point out that the Time Channel is available in both 12- and 24-hour versions . . . just contact your cable provider.
Bob: Ah, Jack, it’s now two thirty-four and two thirty-five is on the horizon. But I’d also like to point out that you can get the Time Channel in your choice of zones, including Greenwich.
Jack: Ha, ha, ha, that’s right.
Bob: I see it’s time for a word from our sponsor, Timex, but don’t change that dial, folks . . . right, Jack?
Jack: Right, Bob . . . following this brief commercial, we’ll be back with our daily feature, “TimeHack,” Time Channel’s hard-hitting investigative exposé. Today’s installment: “Six Twenty-Two! Dim Hope or Done Deal?”
(fade to commercial and segue to hash-l@usc.edu)
AD: Blah blah blah.
Everyone Else: (paying no attention).
AD: Blah blah fuck you blah.
Someone Else: Okay, I’ll bite . . . fuck you, too.
AD: FUCK SHIT PISS HATE WHY DON’T YOU DIE.
AD: No, I didn’t mean that. You were quite right to tell me off.
AD: On the other hand, you’re ugly and your mother was a dog-fucking Nazi bitch who ate babies for breakfast, and anyone who disagrees with me is a fucking idiot.
Someone Else: AD, don’t you think you ought to lighten up?
AD: I have a photo of you anally sodomizing a pig at AIH, so fuck you (attaches GIF of same).
AD: Have I mentioned that I’m a player?
AD: Did I tell you about the time my grandmother stuffed a live duck up her pussy and came all over the piano?
AD (using false name): posts detailed but imaginary information of a highly personal nature about actual hashers.
AD (using another false name, posted from an anonymous e-mail drop): posts excerpts from the Youthful Fantasies section of “Lads Ahoy,” official magazine of the American Man/Boy Love Association.
Everyone Else: AD, KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE USC SHUTS THE NET DOWN!
AD: Gee, I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?
(one day later)
AD: Blah blah blah.
Everyone Else: (paying no attention).
AD: Blah blah fuck you blah.
. . . etc.
(segue to Time Channel)
Jack: Bob, I say it’s time to change that calendar.
Bob: Jack, I couldn’t agree with you more – Happy New Year!
Jack: Happy New Year, everyone!
(fade to logo & theme: “The Syncopated Clock“)
– Flying Booger