1. Hearing soldiers in camp Curse and Sweare angers me.
2. I inherited 10 slaves from my Father on my 11th Birthday.
3. When I became President I had but one Toothe remaining in my Mouth.
4. I am less well known as the Father of the Bassoon.
5. My Private name for dear Martha is Patcy.
6. To reduce their Fetor, I ordered that camp Necessaries be filled in once a week and new ones dugge.
7. My Dentures are made of hinged hippopotamus and elephant-tusk plates and a Mixture of Human, pig, horse, and donkey Teeth.
8. They cause me endless Pain, and I soak them in Port to make them taste better.
9. I must hold my Lippes pursed lest they fall out, damne them.
10. Martha’s first Husband did own 285 slaves; her downer share was 85.
11. When I was President, the nation’s Capital was Philadelphia, and tho’ I wish it had remained so, I purchased land in the District of Columbia.
12. I was Careful to move slaves often between Mount Vernon and Philadelphia, lest they gain their freedom under Pennsylvania’s cursed Gradual Abolition Act.
13. In Spite of my Best Efforts, two slaves, Oney Judge and Hercules, ran in Philadelphia.
14. Though my Coat bears four musket-shot holes, I have never been Wounded in Battle.
15. My Nephew Bushrod will someday inherit Mount Vernon.
16. Although Martha bore four Children to Daniel, her first husband, we have no Issue together; I suspect through some Fault of My own incurr’d by the Consumption & Pox.
17. I drink Laudanum to dull the Mouth-ache and have done so all my grown Life.
18. I did not Free my slaves in my Last Testament, as many do Believe; I left them to Dear Patcy, requesting only that she Free them upon her Death.
19. ‘Though Thomas Jefferson is my Secretary of State, I fear his uncheck’d tendency to cause Strife and Division, and pray he does not become President some day.
20. Men and Women who value Salubriousness do bathe weekly; Benjamin Franklin would do Well to emulate them. That is all I will Say anent that.
21. My Estate has grown to include 316 slaves, but in Fairness I must note that some are my Deare Wife’s.
22. I own more than 13,000 Hectacres of land in several States.
23. My distillery produces 3,000 Barrells of Liquor each year.
24. I once calculated that a bushel of Timothy Seeds would include 13,410,000 Kernels.
25. Sometimes, when rogering Martha, I think of Sally Fairfax and am Ashamed of Myself.
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