Welcome to the 2009 edition of getting to know your Friends. ‘Press FORWARD’ then change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Well, enough chitchat . . . let\u2019s talk about me<\/em>!<\/p>\n 1. What time did you get up this morning?<\/em> The voices woke me at 2:34 AM, Tuesday, April 7, and haven\u2019t let me go back to sleep since. A buzz, but a harsh one.<\/p>\n 2. Diamonds or pearls?<\/em> Is this a test? Can I choose the new car instead? Or just take the cash?<\/p>\n 3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?<\/em> Ooh, “the cinema,” is it? Since you ask, it was Le Retour de Martin Guerre<\/em> by Daniel Vigne, with G\u00e9rard Depardieu and Nathalie Baye. In the original French. With no subtitles.<\/p>\n 4. What is your favorite TV show?<\/em> Of all time? That would have to be the episode of South Park where the terrorists put a nuke in Hillary Clinton\u2019s snatch!<\/p>\n 5. What do you usually have for breakfast?<\/em> Whatever the dog is having.<\/p>\n 6. What is your middle name?<\/em> Forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually it’s LaVelle, and I’d appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.<\/p>\n 7. What food do you dislike?<\/em> I generally dislike food that is inedible, poisonous, or embedded with shards of glass.<\/p>\n 8. What is your favorite CD at moment?<\/em> Off the Bone by The Cramps (1983 illegal bootleg).<\/p>\n 9. What kind of car do you drive?<\/em> In my dreams, or for real? Either way, I can\u2019t afford it.<\/p>\n 10. Favorite sandwich?<\/em> Oh, any old thing stuck between two slices of bread, as long as eating it bestows everlasting life.<\/p>\n 11. What characteristic do you despise?<\/em> An uneducated accent, among many others.<\/p>\n 12. Favorite item of clothing?<\/em> That which covereth my nakedness.<\/p>\n 13. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?<\/em> Lemuria, the ancient land of egg-laying apes.<\/p>\n 14. Favorite brand of clothing?<\/em> Baby Phat\u00ae: hip teen clothing with an urban edge!<\/p>\n 15. Where would you like to retire to?<\/em> The land of Kane-Huna-Moku, for there is no land to be compared to it in excellence.<\/p>\n 16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?<\/em> My 16th, when father hired that whore.<\/p>\n 17. Why?<\/em> Why not!<\/p>\n 18. Vanilla or French Vanilla?<\/em> That depends on whether we’re talking Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen-Daas.<\/p>\n 19. Push or pull?<\/em> I find it easier to push, so my answer is “push,” pronounced \u201cpoosh.\u201d<\/p>\n 20. Heterosexuality or homosexuality?<\/em> Oh, it’s heterosexuality for me, not that there’s anything wrong with the other . . . wait a minute, yes there is!<\/p>\n 21. God or not God?<\/em> Not, though I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there is one, and that He simply doesn’t care.<\/p>\n 22. The Office: British or US version?<\/em> Both. I was a British version snob at first, but the US version has grown on me.<\/p>\n 23. Would you attempt to climb Mt. Everest?<\/em> Fuck no!<\/p>\n 24. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us?<\/em> Uh, they found the guy who killed Chandra Levy? The Somali pirates still have that captain dude held hostage? Tiger Woods won another tournament? I\u2019m pregnant?<\/p>\n 25. What did you want to be when you were little?<\/em> Big.<\/p>\n 26. How are you today?<\/em> Big. What a cruel fucking joke life is.<\/p>\n 27. What is your favorite sweet?<\/em> Chocopologie by Knipschildt of South Warwalk, Connecticut, at $2,600.00 per pound. Hey, I can dream, right?<\/p>\n 28. What is your favorite flower?<\/em> The Rafflesia of Singapore, which blooms once each millennium. I missed it last time around, but if I live another 900 years . . .<\/p>\n 29. What is your private nickname for your private part?<\/em> Peter O\u2019Tool.<\/p>\n 30. What is your private part\u2019s nickname for you?<\/em> I\u2019m not sure it thinks, let alone names things.<\/p>\n 31. If you had to choose between terrorists killing a small child or a puppy, would you be able to?<\/em> Aw, what kind of a twisted fucked up sadistic question is that?<\/p>\n 32. Which is more repulsive, a tarantula or a scorpion?<\/em> Rush Limbaugh.<\/p>\n 33. Legs, asses, or tits?<\/em> With me it\u2019s faces, followed by legs, then asses. Why? Are you planning to show me some body parts? Shit, you were, weren\u2019t you, and here I just let you off the hook by telling you I\u2019m a face guy. Can I take this one over?<\/p>\n
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58. Isn\u2019t it odd that this survey has 57 questions?<\/em> Yes, very odd. Don\u2019t lists of questions come in multiples of ten, like 20 or 50 or 100? What\u2019s up with 57? The only 57 I can think of is Heinz, which makes me think of Teresa Heinz Kerry, which makes me think of Laura Bush, which makes me think of Barbara Bush, which makes me think of bush! See? From numbers to boinking, with only five degrees of separation! And I could have done it in four, if only Laura was my type.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"