{"id":25644,"date":"2010-02-22T17:38:18","date_gmt":"2010-02-23T00:38:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pwoodford.net\/blog\/?p=25644"},"modified":"2020-02-22T17:41:22","modified_gmt":"2020-02-23T00:41:22","slug":"hash-x-files","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pwoodford.net\/blog\/?p=25644","title":{"rendered":"Hash X Files"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear hashers, I wrote this back in the heyday of the X-Files. I hope hashers today still watch the reruns, otherwise this won\u2019t make a lot of sense, nor will the interesting bit of ancient internet history at the end.<\/em><\/p>\n

Episode # 69: Trail to Nowhere<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder? Mulder?<\/p>\n

Mulder: Here, Scully, down here! I\u2019m in the drain pipe under the road. Watch yourself coming down the bank . . . there\u2019s a lot of loose rocks.<\/p>\n

Scully: God, Mulder, I almost lost a heel. Why did you call me way out here in the country, and what are you doing in this pipe?<\/p>\n

Mulder: You\u2019re standing almost right on top of the reason. Look down.<\/p>\n

Scully: Oh. What is it?<\/p>\n

Mulder: I don\u2019t know. I never saw anything like it before.<\/p>\n

Scully: What\u2019s it made of? Did you take a sample?<\/p>\n

Mulder: Yes. It\u2019s flour. Just plain white flour.<\/p>\n

<\/a>Scully: I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n

Mulder: Someone . . . or something . . . made this mark by dribbling flour, Scully.<\/p>\n

Scully: It looks fresh.<\/p>\n

Mulder: It is. Less than three days old.<\/p>\n

Scully: What\u2019s that pattern? Some kind of hex symbol? A Native American rune?<\/p>\n

Mulder: I spent all afternoon researching local folklore and native history, Scully, and there\u2019s nothing quite like it \u2014 a circle with an \u2018X\u2019 through its center. But it means something. I feel it.<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder! What\u2019s wrong?<\/p>\n

Mulder: I\u2019m sorry . . . okay, okay, I\u2019m okay now . . . this is connected with the strange noises they heard out here the other night.<\/p>\n

Scully: Strange noises? This is the middle of nowhere, Mulder.<\/p>\n

Mulder: I know. That\u2019s what the county sheriff said when he called me. He said no one lives out here but a couple of farmers, and nothing out of the ordinary has happened in this part of the state for years, but two nights ago both farmers called within minutes of each other, reporting strange noises. They said it sounded like people . . . screaming, or something. And there were lights in the woods.<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, two nights ago was the full moon.<\/p>\n

Mulder: Somehow I knew that. Follow me, Scully . . . I think there are going to be more of these marks.<\/p>\n

Scully: But how do you know which way to go?<\/p>\n

Mulder: Something tells me to go this way.<\/p>\n

Scully: Through the drain pipe? Mulder, I\u2019ll wreck my shoes!<\/p>\n

Mulder: Scully, don\u2019t you know you should never wear new shoes when doing fieldwork? Oh . . . wow!<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, what\u2019s wrong now?<\/p>\n

Mulder: Damn . . . I experienced the strongest sense of\u00a0d\u00c3\u00a9j\u00c3\u00a0 vu<\/em>\u00a0when I said that. Never mind, I can see light from the far end of the pipe now. Keep your head low, Scully, there\u2019s cobwebs.<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, look!<\/p>\n

Mulder: Yes, I knew it . . . more marks. But these are different.<\/p>\n

Scully: This one\u2019s just a blob of flour. It almost looks like someone threw it down in a hurry. And look, footprints . . . a\u00a0lot<\/em>\u00a0of footprints!<\/p>\n

Mulder: The footprints go both ways. Let\u2019s keep going this way and . . . look, three parallel lines . . . the footprints stop here. It\u2019s as if they all stopped here and changed direction, whoever they were. Yes, I see it now! C\u2019mon, Scully, hurry . . . we have to go back through the drain pipe.<\/p>\n

Scully: Oh, no . . . oh, ICK! Damn you, Mulder, I\u2019ve got mud all over me now!<\/p>\n

Mulder: Shiggy.<\/p>\n

Scully: What did you say?<\/p>\n

Mulder: I didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n

Scully: You did. You said \u2018shiggy.\u2019<\/p>\n

Mulder: I did?<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, you\u2019re frightening me.<\/p>\n

Mulder: Look, Scully, more of those flour blobs . . . and now all the footprints are going one way. ON ON!<\/p>\n

Scully: EEK!<\/p>\n

Mulder: Scully, what is it? Why did you scream?<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, you just shouted \u2018ON ON\u2019 right in my ear!<\/p>\n

Mulder: Really?<\/p>\n

Scully: Yes. Stop it. I don\u2019t like what\u2019s happening here. It\u2019s getting dark. Let\u2019s find our way back to the road and get out of here. We can come back tomorrow, in the daylight.<\/p>\n

Mulder: No, wait. Do you still carry that little flashlight in your purse? Yes, that\u2019s it. Let me use it . . . these marks are leading somewhere, and we\u2019re almost there . . . I feel it strongly . . . a feeling of something, I don\u2019t know what, being near. Something . . . near. Bear? No, there haven\u2019t been bears in these woods since 1850. B . . . E . . . E . . . Bees? No, that\u2019s not it. Something wet. Damn, I can\u2019t quite get it.<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, look! Here, on this rock . . . it says \u2018on in.\u2019<\/p>\n

Mulder: On in?<\/p>\n

Scully: All the footprints go into this field. I think you\u2019re right. I think this is where everyone was going.<\/p>\n

Mulder: Look, Scully, they all stood in a circle . . . facing in. And what\u2019s this in the middle? It\u2019s an indentation in the grass . . . a perfect circle . . . something landed here!<\/p>\n

Scully: Well, it couldn\u2019t have been very big. This indentation is about as big around as a garbage can, or maybe a keg of beer.<\/p>\n

Mulder: What did you say?<\/p>\n

Scully: I said it couldn\u2019t have been very big.<\/p>\n

Mulder: No, the last part.<\/p>\n

Scully: That it\u2019s about as big around as a keg of beer?<\/p>\n

Mulder: DOWN DOWN, DRINK IT DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN!<\/p>\n

Scully: EEEEEEEEEEK!\u00a0(thump)<\/em><\/p>\n

Mulder: Oh, no . . . Scully, Scully, wake up. It\u2019s okay, everything\u2019s all right. There, there . . . breathe slow and deep. What happened?<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, you\u2019re channeling or something. This is too scary. Let me up . . . I want out of here now!<\/p>\n

Mulder: SHOW US YOUR TITS!<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder! Mulder! Come out of it, Mulder!<\/p>\n

Mulder: BEER! I WANT BEER!<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, oh God, Mulder, please stop!<\/p>\n

Mulder: SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT, CUMMIN\u2019 FOR TO CARRY ME HOME!<\/p>\n

Scully: Mulder, what are you doing with your hand? Oh, GROSS! Mulder, you\u2019re not psychic \u2014 you\u2019re just a sick fuck! Find your own way out of the woods, you pervert!\u00a0(sound of thrashing branches)<\/em><\/p>\n

Transcript, Owl County Sheriff\u2019s Department Emergency Response Hotline, November 24, 1996, 10:53pm:<\/em>\u00a0Sheriff Adams? It\u2019s Fred Spivey again. You\u2019d better head on out . . . that screamin\u2019 noise is comin\u2019 outta the woods again, and I got me some woman a-poundin\u2019 on my door. . . .<\/p>\n

Afterword<\/p>\n

Dear Hashers,
\nI hope you enjoyed this. I just wanted to share a few interesting things I learned while doing research on the X-Files. Borrowing a line from Dave Barry, I swear I am not making this up:<\/p>\n