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Time Channel Rant

Long-time readers of the hash discussion list (hash-l@usc.edu) will vividly recall the bizarre behavior of Access Denied (hereinafter known as “AD”), a hasher apparently afflicted with Munchausen’s Syndrome. Or Tourette’s. Or possibly both. AD’s outbursts inspired the Time Channel Rant. Please enjoy.

With all the predictability of the Time Channel:

(segue to Time Channel)

Jack: Well, Bob, it’s two thirty-three, and unless I miss my guess, two thirty-four is right around the corner.

Bob: You got that right, Jack.

Jack: Yessir, folks, coming up on two thirty-four in about 30 seconds.

Bob: Jack, I think we ought to remind our viewers that that would be, uh, fourteen thirty-four on the 24-hour clock.

Jack: By golly, Bob, you’re right, and this is a good time to point out that the Time Channel is available in both 12- and 24-hour versions . . . just contact your cable provider.

Bob: Ah, Jack, it’s now two thirty-four and two thirty-five is on the horizon. But I’d also like to point out that you can get the Time Channel in your choice of zones, including Greenwich.

Jack: Ha, ha, ha, that’s right.

Bob: I see it’s time for a word from our sponsor, Timex, but don’t change that dial, folks . . . right, Jack?

Jack: Right, Bob . . . following this brief commercial, we’ll be back with our daily feature, “TimeHack,” Time Channel’s hard-hitting investigative exposé. Today’s installment: “Six Twenty-Two! Dim Hope or Done Deal?”

(fade to commercial and segue to hash-l@usc.edu)

AD: Blah blah blah.

Everyone Else: (paying no attention).

AD: Blah blah fuck you blah.

Someone Else: Okay, I’ll bite . . . fuck you, too.

AD: FUCK SHIT PISS HATE WHY DON’T YOU DIE.

AD: No, I didn’t mean that. You were quite right to tell me off.

AD: On the other hand, you’re ugly and your mother was a dog-fucking Nazi bitch who ate babies for breakfast, and anyone who disagrees with me is a fucking idiot.

Someone Else: AD, don’t you think you ought to lighten up?

AD: I have a photo of you anally sodomizing a pig at AIH, so fuck you (attaches GIF of same).

AD: Have I mentioned that I’m a player?

AD: Did I tell you about the time my grandmother stuffed a live duck up her pussy and came all over the piano?

AD (using false name): posts detailed but imaginary information of a highly personal nature about actual hashers.

AD (using another false name, posted from an anonymous e-mail drop): posts excerpts from the Youthful Fantasies section of “Lads Ahoy,” official magazine of the American Man/Boy Love Association.

Everyone Else: AD, KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE USC SHUTS THE NET DOWN!

AD: Gee, I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?

(one day later)

AD: Blah blah blah.

Everyone Else: (paying no attention).

AD: Blah blah fuck you blah.

. . . etc.

(segue to Time Channel)

Jack: Bob, I say it’s time to change that calendar.

Bob: Jack, I couldn’t agree with you more – Happy New Year!

Jack: Happy New Year, everyone!

(fade to logo & theme: “The Syncopated Clock“)

- Flying Booger

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