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Ask Doctor Down-Down: March 2007

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

You are on record as saying ”old-school Hashers insist Hash names . . . most likely originated with Jakarta HHH.” I ran with Jakarta from 1982 through 1984 and can say with certainty that Hash names were not bestowed by Jakarta HHH during that period. So, not to start an argument, but I think you are off base with regard to Jakarta HHH being the origin of bestowed Hash names. Perhaps you will do a more diligent bit of research on Hash name origins and further enlighten the good readers of Asia Pacific Harrier. Keep up the good work and perhaps we can discuss this further over a cold Singah in Chiang Mai.

On-On,
Mike Collier (aka Kitty-Kitty)

Dear Kitty-Kitty,

Most of my information came from Stu Lloyd, aka “The Colonel,” author of Hare of the Dog, a history of the Hash House Harriers. But based on your request, I consulted a higher authority. In fact, I consulted no less a personage than Llew Llewellen Ffollkes, aka “The General,” author of The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Hashdom. How’s that for diligent research?

Perhaps, Kitty Kitty, you were looking the other way when Jakarta HHH bestowed hash names, because according to The General, you can trace every deplorable innovation in hashing back to Jarkata HHH. Jakarta introduced not only hash names, but also ice, live hare trails, checks, turkey trails, bawdy songs, Seppos, and the triple-whammy of all curses: harriettes, horrors, and light beer.

The General goes on to state that Jarkata HHH, in league with Freemasons and other sinister forces, engineered the killing of JFK, the faked NASA “moon landings,” the covering-up of the alien shoot-down near Roswell, New Mexico, fluoridation, United Nations Agenda 21, Prince Charles’ infatuation with Camilla Parker-Bowles, chemtrails, global warming, and Barry Manilow.

But really, what good does it do us to blame everything on Jakarta HHH? If they were still around, I could see some point to The General’s anger, but since Jakarta HHH left en masse in 1997 for the Mother Ship hiding in Comet Hale-Bopp’s tail, getting mad at Jakarta is like getting mad at the Hittites or the Huns. It’s a done deal . . . hash names are here, and most of us are stuck with ‘em!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Some guy I haven’t seen for 12 years showed up at the hash last night, and it turned out he was there to see me! He told me he saw a compromising photo of me on an internet porn site, and he wanted to know if I’d turned pro. I told him it couldn’t have been me, and later that night I looked up the site for myself. And you know what? The girl in the photo did look like me, and she even had the same first name (though I’m sure it was a fake name, in her case). This is so weird. Has anything like this ever happened to other hashers?

On On,
California Harriette

Dear California Harriette,

Your letter raised several (okay, one) disturbing issues, prompting me to undertake an intensive three-month study of internet porn, from which I have just emerged, a hollow-eyed shadow of my former self.  Whew . . . anybody got a cigarette?

What have I learned?  For starters, the words “amateur,” “teen,” and “barely legal teen” don’t mean a thing . . . the ladies and gentlemen on those sites are the same ancient war horses you see on all the other sites.

In my research, I came across several sites featuring candid photos of people doing silly things with not a lot of clothes on. Not porn, but still pretty embarrassing. I swear some of those photos were taken at hash circles, and it reinforces my feeling that cameras should be banned from all hash events.

You thought the girl in those photos looked like you? I can go you one better. Someone’s been taking photos of me and superimposing parts of them onto internet porn star Ron Jeremy’s gut, for example . . . that’s my gut!  Captain Zero’s bald spot . . . also mine! Elmer Fudd’s love muscle . . . mine, all mine, I say!

Well, that’s it! Tomorrow I’m taking out a copyright on my body, and I suggest you do the same.

On-On,
Dr. Down-Down

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