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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 1995

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

My boyfriend and I were exchanging an affectionate embrace on a park bench behind the Jefferson Memorial when we were rudely interrupted by a rowdy group of characters calling themselves the Washington DC Hash House Harriers. Apart from my obvious embarrassment, I was chagrined to note that this group consisted almost entirely of white males. For an organization claiming to represent the District of Colombia, and by extension American society, this group appears to be singularly lacking in diversity. I plan to open congressional hearings into the hash house harriers to determine whether this organization offers equal opportunities to persons of color, persons with disabilities, and persons espousing alternate lifestyles. I also take grave personal offense at being publicly addressed as a “fucking poofter.” You will be hearing from my staff soon.

Sincerely,
Barney Frank
House of Representatives
Washington, DC

Dear Representative Frank,

May I point out in our defense that the hash house harriers have always extended open arms to persons of alcohol?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against me, her pert breasts pressing against my chest. Placing my other hand behind her neck, I leaned over her, lowering my lips to hers. I explored her moist mouth with my tongue. She struggled against me. I can read the secret language of women, and her message was clear . . . no “No,” but “Give it to me, Woody, oh, give it to me now, you hot stud.”

On On,
Senator Bob Packwood (retired)
Loitering Outside Rashim’s Seven-Eleven
Salem, Oregon

Dear Bob,

Wow, I had a dog like that once! Damn, now I’ve got a boner . . .

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I recently passed the bar and am now an associate at a prestigious law firm. My problem is I’ve been invited to a mixer where there will be several bachelors, most of them well-connected professional men. Naturally, I want to make the right impression. I wish to appear professional but at the same time attractive. How much makeup should I wear?

On On,
Wonder Maiden

Dear Wonder Maiden,

If I were you, I’d be more concerned about my clothing than my facial appearance. After all, you could hurt yourself trying to catch an ambulance in a skirt and high heels! But no, seriously, stay away from makeup. I’d recommend clamping a live Rottweiler to your face instead–it’s the perfect look for a young lawyer on her way up!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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