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Ask Doctor Down-Down: January 1996

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

My problem began at the age of 40, when I began to realize that no matter how much sex I had, I would still masturbate at least once every day, and sometimes as many as two or three times. I have had many extremely wonderful relationships with members of the opposite sex, and the physical (as well as the emotional) experiences were sublime. As I advance in years, my need for self-satisfaction grows, even with my “daily exchanges” (politically correct term for fucking) with wonderful partners. I am in good physical condition, so my right hand is not suffering (I use my left hand). In fact, it supports my daily workouts. But, I do seem to be developing a certain callousness on a certain member of my anatomy.

Please, how do I cure this disease of constantly “doing it?” Having been a follower of your wonderful advice column, I know that you will have the right answer for me.

On On,
KeepsItUp

Dear Mr. I Doubt That Story Very Much,

Problem? Disease? Why are you dissin’ my hobby?

Seriously, all that crap they told us about the evils of masturbation when we were kids? It was (drum roll, please) . . . crap! Modern medical science has proven that the only serious side-effect of continual masturbation is carpal tunnel syndrome, and if you regularly change hands, even that risk is minimized. But don’t take my word for it . . . listen to the experts:

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”–Woody Allen
“Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century, it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.”–Thomas Szasz
“As long as you politely ask your hostess first, it’s perfectly acceptable to flog your log at the dinner table–just be certain to use a linen napkin to clean up, never paper.”–Judith “Miss Manners” Martin
“The last time I had sex with another person it cost me 13 million bucks to shut the little bastard’s parents up. Hey, I’ll take masturbation any day!”–Michael Jackson

But you don’t want excuses for “doing it,” you want to know how to stop “doing it,” and Dr. Down-Down is here to please. You know how sometimes, when you’re screwing, you try to think of something unsexy to keep from coming too soon? Like baseball? Next time you feel like loping the mule, think about this, an actual news story from the December 6, 1995 Las Vegas Review-Journal:

UNION CITY, Tenn. (AP)–A man who wanted to be a woman cut off his penis with a machete after he was turned down by several doctors for a sex-change operation, a sheriff said. Al Gansert, 35, severed his penis Monday as he lay on a coffee table, Obion County Sheriff Ewell Baker said. “He cut all of it off except a quarter inch, maybe a half inch,” the sheriff said. The penis wasn’t found. Gansert told paramedics “his girlfriend fed it to the dogs.” Gansert was listed in stable condition at Baptist Hospital. He had been turned down by several doctors he consulted about a sex-change operation, Baker said.

That ought to take the hard out of your hard-on. Come to think of it, you’ll probably never be able to knock off a piece on the old coffee table again, either.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

p.s. Dear Readers, before you berate me for not answering KeepsItUp in a gender-neutral manner, pointing out that KIU never makes it clear whether he’s a man or a woman, get a grip–of course KIU’s a man! Women don’t have impure thoughts, and, as everyone knows, they certainly never masturbate!

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I’m writing to protest this month’s advice column. The squandering of sperm through masturbation is deplorable; indeed, it is one of the great tragedies of life. You should have pointed out to your correspondent that, masturbating at the rate he claims, he is spurting away more than one and one-half gallons of ejaculate per annum, hot jism that might otherwise have decorated the dimpled chins and fetchingly-upturned derrières of untold numbers of grateful gay men. What a crying waste! And as for that poor misguided soul who hacked off his penis and fed it to his girlfriend’s dogs, oh, the humanity! Shame on you for printing such twisted, disgusting material!

Signed,
Name Withheld by Request
House of Representatives
Washington DC

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