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Ask Doctor Down-Down: May 1996

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Remember that pornographic bestiality letter Access Denied posted to Hash-L a few months ago? The one about the husband who came home and saw his wife getting it on with the dog? Well, I was surprised to notice I had this huge chubby after reading that letter, and ever since then I’ve had an inexplicable urge for Gravy Train after sex. Am I coming down with bestiality?

On On,
An Anonymous Hasher

Dear Anonymous,

Who am I to say what’s “normal” when it comes to sex? Especially when it involves hashers! But help, as I keep telling KeepsITup, is never far from hand, so to speak: those good folks at the Christian Center for Creative Guilt have come out with just the thing for you . . . the Bestiality QuestionnaireĀ®! Take this simple test now, in the privacy of your home:

1. Do you have a pet?2. Do you ever pat, rub, stroke, fondle, tickle, or cuddle your pet?3. Do you sometimes wake up in the same bed with your pet, even though you can’t remember taking it to bed with you the night before?4. If your pet is a cat, do you enjoy it when it rubs against your legs?5. If your pet is a dog, do you enjoy it when it gazes worshipfully into your eyes?6. Did you give your pet a special nickname?7. When you’re having conflicts with other people, do you find that you prefer the company of your pet instead?8. Do you sometimes feel like you need to be with your pet first thing in the morning? Before noon?9. Can you find dog or cat hair on your clothes? Right now, at the office?10. Have you ever gone to work with cat scratches on your hands and wrists, and hoped you would not have to explain them to co-workers?11. Do you become irritated when people criticize pets?12. Do you become very irritated when people criticize your pet?13. Do you bathe your pet?14. Have you avoided buying your pet a mate of its own species, fearing that you would lose its affection?15. Do buy extra pets and hide them around the house so that you won’t ever be without one?16. Do you ever talk “baby-talk” to your pet?17. Do you allow your pet to sit in your lap? Frequently?18. Do you allow your pet to see you naked in the bathroom?19. Have you ever had sex when your pet was in the same room?20. Have you ever had sex with your pet?21. Have you ever had sex with your pet in a closet?22. Is your name “ZiPpy?”Any yes answer indicates a probable symptom of bestiality.

More than one yes answer indicates the presence of bestiality.

A yes answer to # 20 means you’re going to burn in hell forever.

A yes answer to # 21 means you’re a closet bestiaphile.

A yes answer to # 22 indicates a healthy, perfectly-normal erotic interest in fleece-bearing ungulates.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

My pet is a 150-pound male Doberman named “Piledriver,” and boy, does he live up to his name!

On On,
Barney Frank (D-Mass)
House of Representatives
Washington DC

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

What do Clinton, Dole, and the Newt drink?

On On,
Bubba
CH4, F.B.A.C.

Dear Bubba,

My guess would be (in order): beer, bile, and the blood of newborn babies.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Warning: the following public alert may disturb children and sensitive readers!

Dear Hashers,

A valued member of my staff recently traveled into the field to observe KeepsITup in his natural habitat. What he saw was so shocking, so vile, that upon his return he voluntarily entered primal scream therapy (his recovery is very much in doubt). And this was a trained counselor, hardened by years of exposure to human depravity. Please, dear readers, if you encounter KeepsItup, do not approach within 500 yards. Do not speak to him or listen to anything he says. Do not allow yourself to gaze upon him for more than two seconds unless your eyes are shielded with thick smoked glass lenses. Do not exchange outer- or under-garments with him. Do not under any circumstances exchange bodily fluids. Leave the area at once and inform me or my staff of his whereabouts. Please give this warning the widest dissemination. Thank you.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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