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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 1996

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Did you hear? Ellen Degeneres is coming out this season! I’m tellin’ ya, that guy in Florida’s right–the hash’ll be gay by 2000!

On On,
Barney Frank (D, Mass)
House of Representatives
Washington, DC

Dear Barney,

Hate to pop your bubble, but the hash has always been gay. Didn’t you know that the “A. S.” in “A. S. Gispert” stands for “A Swish”?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

On Saturday a week ago the Underground Hash celebrated its second anniversary with a whole day event out in the archipelago outside Stockholm. Afterwards, when we were back in town again, some of us decided that we hadn’t had enough, so we had a session in a bar.

Now, this last Saturday I was told that Clever Dick had received a letter from the police saying that they wanted him to come down to the station to give evidence about some assault or fight or whatever, that he apparently had witnessed on his way home. He was very worried. Not the least because he couldn’t remember anything about a fight, and would the police beleive him. It has happened that witnesses have been intimidated to silence.

On the other hand, the officer that took his name and address should have known better than to ask a totally blotto middle-aged Englishman, with a feathered headband and a war paint, dressed in a hash t-shirt and sarong, to give evidence. He might not be totally reliable.

What should Clever Dick do about this situation?

On On,
Floater

Dear Sharon,

The same thing happened to my Chevelle! Have your mechanic run a compression check just to make sure, but it sounds like a valve job to me.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Oh Mightiest Among Healers of Water Fowl (read “Dr. Quack”), although I am still extremely happy with life and cum in the face of every opportunity to be otherwise, and although you have not seen fit to prescribe a total remedy to this condition, I assail your knowledge once again in an effort to achieve an elevated level of mental stability (whew!).

I have repeatedly been accused of being “anal.” No sweat, but what is your definition of this term? Since I respect your opinion above all others, this is your chance to really slam my dick in the dirt.

On On,
KeepsItUp

Dear KeepsITup,

If you ever capitalized your name the same way twice, now that would be anal. And if you’re still looking for a cure for happiness, may I recommend selling your motorcycle, leaving Aqua Lungs, and moving in with ZiPpy? Don’t know about you, but that would do it for me!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

. . . whose opinion I value almost as much as the omniscient USENET Oracle, I don’t smoke, but I have eaten a few ciggys (sans filter, naturally). Does Dr. Down-Down, or any other unofficial physician for that matter, know whether there is a health risk associated with this pasttime?

On On,
Bulldust

Dear Bulldust,

Apart from the fact that ingesting tobacco orally induces the production of sputum, a disgusting state of affairs, the absorbtion of nicotine through the mucous membranes of the mouth is terribly inefficient. And there is a substantial risk of developing oral and/or throat cancer.

Do what I do–stick them cigs up your ass. Any droolage is absorbed by the underpants, you’re getting fiber where it counts, your breath doesn’t stink, and the nicotine goes straight through the intestinal wall and on to the brain–what a rush! Health risk? Hell, if you fit the demographic profile of the average Australian hasher–i.e., white, middle-aged, male–chances are you’ve already got colon cancer anyway, so go for it!

Have a nice day!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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