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Ask Doctor Down-Down: November 1996

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Two gay guys decide to drive from DuPont Circle in Washington DC to Castro Street in San Francisco. Their neighbors, a lesbian couple, make the same decision. Both couples will drive identical routes in identical cars. Which couple will get there first?

The dykes, of course–because they’ll go lickety-split!

On On,
Barney Frank (D, Mass)
House of Representatives
Washington, DC

Dear Barney,

Yeah, and the guys’ll still be packin’ their shit. . . .

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

As you probably know, I work in software tools support, and, like you, I have to deal with a variety of problems. Many people complain about soft tools and have to be comforted.

I recently was able to fix a particularly difficult and unpleasant case, and am naturally proud of my achievement. In case it may be of use to you, I append the dialogue below for storage in your archives.

If you have any comments on the way I handled the case, I would greatly appreciate your valued advice (it has already been pointed out that I failed to mention “beer” as a possible solution).

Yours in anticipation,
Yogi
East Grinstead Hash House Harriers

Dear Yogi,I’m having a problem with my cat peeing on furniture and other stuff. I rub his nose in it every time it happens and swat him on the butt but it doesn’t seem to faze him at all and he continues to do it. Does anyone have any other methods that has worked for them?Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused, On your cat’s menu bar you’ll find the Options menu selection. Click on this and select “Config” from the drop-down menu. In the configuration dialog box, select the tab for “Miscellaneous Activities.” Look for the slogan “Peeing Location” and select the “Outside” button. Next select “Apply & Save” and the next time your cat logs on all should be well.

Yogi
p.s. Do NOT select the “Inside” button.

Dear Yogi,

I tried your solution, but it still isn’t working. I think the cat has difficulty getting out at night.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

You should install a catflap. They are easily obtainable by ftp from your local hardware site.

Yogi

Dear Yogi,

Thank you for the advice. I have fitted a catflap to allow the cat to pee outside, but now other cats come in and join him inside for peeing parties! What can I do?

Signed
Confused

Dear Confused,

Set up a cron job which automatically switches your catflap into the “Out Only” mode during the hours of darkness, and then “In and Out” during daylight hours.

Yogi

Dear Yogi,

Thank you so much! Your advice has been a complete success :-) Now the cat no longer pees in the house. He was run over by a truck while wandering in the dark.

Yours sincerely,
No Longer Confused

Dear Yogi,The previous writer could use something similar for his houseguests. BTW, what’s a “cron job?” Don’t think I’ve ever had one of those!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Why do I always take even the slightest suggestion or criticism as a vicious personal attack and feel compelled to respond with shamelessly self-degrading whining?

On On,
Ramblin’ Canine

Dear RC,

I don’t really know. Could it be your skin is just the eensiest bit thin?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Arrrrrrgh! See? See? You FLAMED me! You vile asshole! You, you . . . DICKHEAD! You’re all out to get me, I just know it. Well, I’ll show you . . . I’m going to stand under a scrap yard magnet and degauss the transmitter you put in my head, and then I’m gonna . . . I’m gonna . . . yeah, that’s it . . . I’m gonna START MY OWN CLINIC!

On On,
Ramblin’ Canine

Dear RC,

Um, then again, it could be rabies. . . .

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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