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Ask Doctor Down-Down: April 1997

Dear Doctor Down-Down, 

After a good run in all the shiggy we get, my toenails are impacted with mud for weeks! This is really cutting down on toe sucking opportunities. Any good suggestions?

On On,
Captain Crash, Seattle HHH

Dear Captain Crash,

I wouldn’t suck my toes either if they were covered with mud! But hey, I’m not sure I can suck my own toes. Do you do special exercises to stay limber, or what?

Just kidding. I’m certain that what you mean is you can’t get harriettes to suck your dirty toes, right? Well, of course you can’t! Women have standards and principles. They know that toe-sucking is an act of the closest intimacy, reserved for the man they truly love. And only when he’s fresh from the shower!

You want women to suck your toes, you depraved piece of filth? Fold up some twenties, wedge them between your mud-encrusted pedal digits, and it’ll be tongue bath time in Seattle, baby!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I was thinking about hash elections for some reason. Every one I’ve seen goes something like this: the GM desperately goes around the hash asking everyone to do something, and asking all his committee members to do the same. Eventually they manage to find hashers for the various jobs. These people are then presented to the hash as candidates and are “voted in.” In my opinion, this is how desperate communists hold “elections.” Don’t you agree?

On On,
P’tooey (aka Jonners), in the Great White North

Dear P’tooey,

I don’t know . . . there are a lot of ways to pull off hash elections. Here are a few I’ve seen used:

The GM hogs all the beer for himself, then steals the hash cash and equipment, then steals the money and personal items from pack members’ bags, then steals everything from their houses, then steals their houses, then declares an election for which he is the only candidate, then wins with 99.7% of the popular “vote.” He finally becomes old, ill, and feeble, at which point the pack courageously revolts, replacing him with a new GM who’ll do the same thing first chance he gets. I think of this as the “Mobutu” technique, but have also heard it called the “generic dictator” scenario.The GM calls for hash elections but throws out the results because he doesn’t like them. This is called the “brazen communist” scenario, aka “the Slobodan Special.”Factions within the hash turn against each other, destroying the hash and thus removing the reason for holding elections in the first place. Most members quit hashing; a few leave and start hashing with other kennels or start new ones. I bet a lot of hashers could put names to this scenario; I call it the “Rawandan Recount.”

The pack elects a GM who does nothing. It soon transpires that the reason the GM is so ineffective is that he’s expired, but for some reason he can’t be replaced. Chaos and anarchy ensue, which isn’t so bad, this being the hash and all. This is known as the “Boris” technique, sometimes called the “dead communist.”

Ah, never mind . . . I was going to really stretch here with a “Lincoln Bedroom Pajama Party for the Rich” scenario, but with White House news releases coming out almost hourly now, each revelation exponentially more hilarious than the one before, respectfully demur. It’d be like trying to make fun of Ebonics . . . how can you improve on comedic perfection?

But out of all the hash elections I’ve observed, one scenario stands out above all others: Mismanagement discovers the reason they’re mismanagement in the first place is because they’re the only ones with such pathetic lives they’re willing to do all that work for the hash. One might call this the “real life” scenario. And hashers everywhere should treat their mismanagement to many beers!On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Who can take a dead rat, cut off all its fur, and do nasty things with it, the S&M man can! Heh heh heh heh heh.

On On,
Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass)
Washington DC

Dear Barney,

Needs work.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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