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Ask Doctor Down-Down: July 1997

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I was gettin’ this little ol’ haircut the other day when Hillary came up with another one of her great ideas – we’re gonna put a excise tax on beer! God, that woman’s so smart she gives me the squirts! Y’all got any good-lookin’ babes in your hash? Ain’t nothin’ like a good-lookin’ babe to take your mind off them Whitewater hearings, heh heh. Well, I can tell by the way my belly’s grumbling it’s time for a couple of Big Macs!

On On,
Bill Clinton, Little Rock H3

Dear Bill,

There was a rumor going around you were a hasher.  Guess that’s not true!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I have a question for you. I picked up my daughter yesterday for the first of her two annual two week summer tours with me. As she was just coming in from a camping trip, and I from Austin’s most excellent Gemini Boat Party, I didn’t want to hang around waiting for mom to wash her clothes . . . I just told her to give ‘em to me, and I’ll take care of ‘em. After I got everything out of the dryer, I came across a pair of undies that didn’t look like the type most young girls wear. They seemed strangely familiar . . . and then I noticed they were much too big for her. My question to you – do I return them to mom?

On On,
Sympathy Fuck, San Antonio H3

Dear SF,

Keep them, of course. Why? Three reasons: one, for the memories, in case you have regrets; two, as a reminder not to marry again, in case you don’t; three, spite.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

So what the hell DO they call that residue that accumulates on the rollers next to the mouse ball? Just spent five minutes prising the stuff off with my index fingernail. Dr. Down-Down, is there any risk of infection?

On On,
Bulldust, Kalgoorlie-Boulder H3

Dear Bulldust,

According to my medical encyclopedia, mouse ball residue is composed of equal parts of dust and dead human skin. It’s the dead skin that makes the residue gummy and causes it to adhere to the rollers. If you were a pretty girl with no arms who typed and manipulated her mouse with her feet, I’d be right over to suck your mouse and keyboard clean. Too bad you’re not.

On On,

Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Did you hear about the gay Catholic? He couldn’t decide whether the Pope was infallible or simply divine. Heh heh heh heh.

On On,
Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass)
Washington DC

Dear Barney,

Oh yeah? Well, how do you know if you’ve walked into a gay Catholic church? Only half the congregation is kneeling.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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