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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 1998

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Well, that’s it. You’re not gonna have Stray Dog to kick around anymore. Wanna know why? Because I QUIT *, that’s why! I’m outta here. Done, gone, went. I’m a dot. History. You’ll never hear from me again. I’m not on your e-mail list any more. I’m not on the web any more. I’m not on AOL any more. Mail to OnOnHasher, HareKiller, OpenSnatch, and SmartHasher will be returned to sender. Mail to me will not be acknowledged. This shop is closed. Forget it. I’m finished. You and your HPA friends can have the whole internet to yourselves. So there.

Fuck Off & Die,
Stray Dog
Ragland “Hub of the Hashing Universe” Alabama

* I reserve the right, however, to continue to post long, obnoxious advertisments about Global Trash products to the e-mail list I am no longer on, to cross-post self-congratulatory messages from the list I am on to the list I am no longer on, and to periodically whine on all lists about why I should be the sole source of information to the hashing world. I reserve the right to lurk on the e-mail list I am no longer on and respond to negative comments with emotional attacks against all and sundry enemies. “Negative comments” includes, but is not restricted to: comments that are directly anti-Stray Dog or anti-Global Trash; comments referring to Stray Dog or Global Trash with less than one hundred per cent praise; or comments that mention any other web page or newsletter, or the editor(s) of any other web page or newsletter, in a favorable light, regardless of whether those comments contain references to Stray Dog or Global Trash. I also reserve the right to post randomly to the list whenever I feel that hashers are beginning to forget about me. Although I am no longer on your list, I am still the only hashlike individual in existence, and I will not tolerate use of your list by unhashlike individuals, which includes everyone I don’t like.

Dear Mr. Dog,

You really need to get into a detox program!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Mr. President,

For your information and possible action, coincident with our planned national exposure of Kenneth Starr as a knob-slobbing homo on October 24th, 1998, there will be a potential five-minute Global Contrition Window in conjunction with CNN’s taping of the Rose Garden Presidential Photo Op with the Papua New Guinea Cannibal Boys’ Choir. Ms Rodham confirms the date and approves your continued public groveling. Please leave the cigar in the customary drop location if you wish me to set it up.

On On,
Dick Morris

Dear Dick,

I’m not sure how your memo was misrouted to our clinic, but no sweat . . . Doctor Down-Down and I forgave the Prez long ago, and even Flying Booger came around when he heard about Monica’s Altoids e-mail. Your secret is safe with us!

On On,
Nurse Wretched, Chief Disciplinarian
Dr. Down-Down’s Holistic Healing Hospice

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I have once again proven to myself and the hashing community that I am, in fact, an asshole magnet (not to be confused with “Asshole magnet”). Any suggestions for remedying this situation?

On On,
Pay Per View
Washington DC

Dear Ms. View,

Sure . . . join Stray Dog Responders Anonymous!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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