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Ask Doctor Down-Down: November 1998

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

You claim to operate a “Holistic Healing Hospice.” Aren’t “healing” and “hospice” contradictory terms? And what exactly is “holistic” about the healing you do there?

On On,
Skeptical in San Francisco

Dear Mr. Francisco,

My family and friends are mostly dead, and those who are not will be dead soon. Now that I have escaped to America, I do not want to live in the kind of hospice where people wait to die. That is why I am happy to be living with Dr. Down-Down, because he runs the other kind of hospice, which some people call a hostel, a lodging for wayward travelers, especially, as the Doctor tells me, young ladies down on their luck (such as I). In my country such hospices were operated by monasteries and convents, before the Serbs burned them all down, but I learned that Doctor Down-Down is a licensed religious adviser, accredited in two states, so it is okay if I am staying here. As for holistic healing, Nurse Wretched tells me she looks after the “whole harriette,” and it is certainly true that after she disciplines me (for my own good) I ache all over. Besides, she has a crystal pyramid on her desk and also burns incense (but mainly I think she does it to cover up the marijuana smoke).

On On,
Sally the One-Legged Orphan Girl from Bosnia
Charperson, Dr. Down-Down’s Holistic Healing Hospice

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

What do you think about that gay college student getting beaten to death in Wyoming last month? Isn’t that just tragic? What a reflection on society. You hashers probably would have done the same thing with your reprehensible “no poofters” attitude, wouldn’t you? You dirty homophobic bastards. You better enjoy hashing while you can, while it’s still legal. Ever wonder why there’s only one hash in Massachusetts? And mark my words, the Boston HHH’s filthy hetero days are numbered. . . .

On On,
Representative Barney Frank (D, Mass)
Washington, DC

Dear Barney,

It’s been a long time since I heard from you! How’s it hanging, you old queen? Don’t get your cock ring caught in the gears, now. You have to understand that hashers are just joking when we say “no poofters.” Why, there are lots of fruits in the hash. Shit, some hashers are queer as three-dollar bills. I was at a hash last weekend where they had “faggot checks,” and we had to wait for the flits to catch up and solve them – they used pink chalk to mark trail, and it was so cute! Things kinda deteriorated at the circle, though, once they started doing same-sex butt chugs . . . matter of fact, there was a hasher there from Wyoming, and he started beating this homo to death with the Hash Shit, but we put him on the ice and told him to use the rubber end instead of the wooden end . . . anyway, all the pansy wound up with were a few bruises, and they came out the same shade as his toenail polish! No, we love fruits – the Hash Hymn wouldn’t be the same without a few swishes singing soprano. Besides, who’d drink all the Keystone Lite if there were no poofters?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Your response to the previous letter was incorrect and not the least bit funny. Why didn’t you include lesbians? And it’s about time the biermeister started bringing wine coolers – a girl can only stomach so much Keystone Lite!

On On,
Ellen Degeneres

Dear Ellen,

I am a lesbian. The last of the old-time bull dykes. I was wearing Doc Martens before you were born, baby. Don’t take it personal, okay, but you don’t melt the grease in my fryin’ pan. Listen, if you’re not gonna drink it, can I have your Keystone Lite?

On On,
Nurse Wretched, Chief of Clinical Services
Dr. Down-Down’s Holistic Healing Hospice

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