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Ask Doctor Down-Down: December 1998

Dear Holistic Healing Hospice Staff,

I just heard of the death of Doctor Down-Down. Please accept my deepest sympathy and condolences. Is there anything I can do to help you in your time of need?

On On,
Some Dipshit Hasher

Dear SDH,

There’s no need for sympathy or condolences, but thanks for the thought. Doctor Down-Down, apart from occasional bouts of incontinence, is fine. To paraphrase a dead white guy,¬†rumors of Doctor Down-Down’s death have been greatly exaggerated.

There’s a grain of truth in most stories, but as we all know, tales get twisted as they pass from mouth to mouth, much like tongues. In this case, the true story of the Down-Down of Doctor Death has mutated into rumors of the Death of Doctor Down-Down. Here’s what really happened:

Doctor Down-Down’s colleague, Doctor Jack Kevorkian, recently took up hashing. Trouble is, whenever Doctor Kevorkian hashed, one or two members of the pack would disappear. At first everyone assumed the missing hashers had simply given up and gone home. But whenever Doctor Kevorkian showed up at the hash, one or two more members would disappear . . . until the day the RA lost his whistle on trail and decided to backtrack. He didn’t find his whistle, but he did find a pile of corpses and rotting hash attire.

Confronted at the circle, Doctor Kevorkian readily admitted killing the missing hashers, although in his own words, he was merely “helping them commit suicide.” When asked why he thought his victims wanted to commit suicide, Doctor Kevorkian explained that he interpreted their howls of “On-On” as anguished pleas to move on to a higher plane. Well, the GM immediately named Doctor Kevorkian “Doctor Death,” and let me tell you, Doctor Death did multiple down-downs that night!

On a more serious note, it now appears that the State of Michigan will also administer a Down-Down to Doctor Death, probably intravenously.

On On,
Flying Booger
Piss Boy & Appts. Secty.
Holistic Healing Hospice

p.s. Here’s a poem Sally the One-Legged Orphan Girl from Republika Sprska Bosnia wrote about the incident:

Doctor Death’s
who used to
drive a rustedout
and inject onetwothreefourfive drugs -
he was a killin’ machine
and what I want to know is
do you think you’ve met your beery match
Mister Death.

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