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Ask Doctor Down-Down: January 1999

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Hey, I need some predictions for 1999. Can you help?

On On,
Jeanne Dixon

Dear Jeanne,

Sure. TV will get stupider. The Drew Carey Show will break new ground by eliminating dialog entirely. Mimi and Drew will merely slap each other with inflated bladders. Celebrities will be dropped from Who’s Who unless they confess to sexual pecadillos, even if they haven’t had any. A new occupation will emerge: advisors to assist celebs in “confessing” to ever more improbable acts of perversion. I see commercials multiplying in frequency and length, and intruding into previously exempt venues (church, school, the Circle, etc). Hashing will become so popular that law enforcement agencies will start setting up sobriety roadblocks after down-downs. Hashing will quickly become unpopular again and go underground. Serious hashers will rejoice. Hamersely hashers will discover Zima and make it their down-down beverage of choice.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

(three pages of AOL headers omitted – Dr. Down-Down)

Subject: Virus

This is VERY, VERY SERIOUS!! Please forward it to everyone you know..they will be grateful. Important. There is a virus out now being sent to people via email…it is called the A.I.D.S. VIRUS. It will destroy your memory, sound card and speakers, drive and it will infect your mouse or pointing device..as well as your keyboards (possibly motherboards) making what you type not able to register on the screen. It self terminates only after it eats 5MB of hard drive space & will delete all programs. It will come via E-mail called “OPEN: VERY COOL! :) “. DELETE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! immediately!! It will basically render your computer useless. Please pass this on to everyone you know!

PASS IT ON QUICKLY & TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE!! THANKS!! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, CONTACT AOL.

On On,
A. Friend

Dear A(sshole),

Over the past year I have received approximately 5,329 virus alerts. Each alert was forwarded by a well-meaning person. Each alert contained the same elements as the one you so well-meaningly passed on: a long list of headers, an unmistakable trace of AOL in its DNA, a description of improbable consequences, and an urgent plea to forward it to “EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!!!” Oh, almost forgot . . . each alert, without exception, has proven to be a hoax.

Of the 5,329 well-meaning people who forwarded these alerts, medical research has shown that at least two-thirds were victims of VBI (Viral Brain Infection), more commonly called “Gullibility Syndrome.” The predominant symptom of VBI is inability to apply critical thought. Sufferers typically present by forwarding virus alerts, but soon progress to Nieman-Marcus cookie recipes and “good luck” chain letters. In its terminal stages, sufferers cross-post inappropriate political statements, jokes, and large cartoon bitmap files to e-mail discussion lists. Judgement is largely absent, as is shame. All in all, it is not a pretty disease, and I sincerely hope you have not contracted it.

But I don’t mean to be gloomy. You may not be suffering from VBI at all – you may merely have had a weak moment. And even if you have contracted VBI, take heart – many VBI victims have found fulfilling careers in multilevel e-mail marketing!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Whaddya think of this down-down song I wrote? It goes to the tune of “The Liquor was Spilled on the Barroom Floor . . . ”

Oh, the intern walked through the office door,
All the staff was gone for the night.
She walked up to the President,
And stood in the pale moonlight.

She said, “You’re great, you’re really swell,
You’re the biggest man in town,
And if you’d really like me toooooo,
I’d be happy to go down” (down, down, down) etc.

[people drink here]

Well, she went right down upon her knees,
And opened up his fly,
And the moral of this story is,
Do whatever you want, BUT DON’T LIE.

On On,
Spinal Tap, Washington DC

Dear Mr. Tap,

Is laughing at your song. Is both melodious and catching. But I do not think is right thing to show Doctor Down-Down. Last night, as I am mopping clinic floor, Nurse Wretched is wheezing behind bed curtain. Nurse is wheezing every day after second pack of Luckies, but this wheezing is not sounding normal. Suddenly she is shouting “Oh Beulah Land I am Coming to Thee Faster God Damn it!” I am peeking under curtain and there is Doctor Down-Down on knees between Nurse’s legs as she is leaning back in chair, holding Doctor’s ears. Then is Mrs. Down-Down pulling open curtain, and let me tell you she is not liking what she is seeing. Ha ha! Doctor is jumping up and saying is giving examination, but Mrs. is not believing, so he is saying never was having sex with that woman, and Mrs. is not believing that either, so he is saying the kissing of a woman’s bottom is not sex anyway, and Mrs. is really not believing that! Och, very much yelling and throwing of things that night! I am not finishing cleaning until morning. So you see this is sensitive topic around here these days. Ha ha, I cannot wait until growing up and understanding what Nurse was doing with Flying Booger’s cigar!

On On,
Sally, One-Legged Orphan Girl from Bosnia
Charperson, Doctor Down-Down’s Holistic Healing Hospice

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