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Ask Doctor Down-Down: March 1999

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

You know what’s wrong with Republicans? Their underpants are too tight!

On On,
Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan
Washington DC

Dear Senator Moynihan,

You jest, but there’s a lot of truth in what you say. Wearing ill-fitting underpants really will make you uptight (this is a guy thing, but what with bras and all, the wymyn shouldn’t have trouble relating).

With boxer shorts, it doesn’t much matter whether you use the fly when you have to drain your lizard. You can pull your dick out through the leg opening as easy as you can pull it out through the fly, and anyway, the type of guy who wears boxers probably doesn’t bother pulling it out in the first place. With briefs, though, there’s no slack in the leg, so you pretty much have to pull it out through the fly. Which with anatomically incorrect underpants can be a problem.

Nurse Wretched does my clothes shopping (hey, it keeps her out of the clinic). I used to have a dresser drawer full of Hanes briefs, but as they wore out she replaced them with Jockeys. Now I have mostly Jockeys and just a couple of old pairs of Hanes. I didn’t realize she was replacing my old underpants with new ones for a long time. All I knew was that some of my underpants didn’t fit right while others did. I don’t mean fitting right as in walking around, I mean fitting right as in where the fly is.

Sometimes, when I’d go to take a whiz, I’d reach inside the fly, and instead of finding my cock I’d find my nuts instead. In order to maneuver my willy out through the fly I’d have to pull it way down to where the opening was, then bend it at a sharp angle to aim at the urinal. Very irritating, not to mention the consequences to pissing with a kink in the unit. At other times, it seemed that the fly was in exactly the right place. “No muss, no fuss,” as Martha Stewart might say.

Now I’m no rocket scientist, but I am a sensitive and perceptive individual, and after two or three years of off-and-on underwear frustration I began to wonder why some of my underpants fit and some didn’t. Then last week, while packing for a business trip, I realized I had two brands of underpants in my dresser. “Hmm,” I thought, “could it be that different manufacturers sew their flies in different locations?”

I decided to track which brands I wore on different days. One day I’d go to work with “Hanes” written in ballpoint on the back of my hand; the next day my hand would say “Jockey.” It was a bitch scrubbing the ink off each night, but sure as hell, I discovered that the difference was indeed a matter of brand name. Not wanting to be accused of endorsing a commercial product in this column, I won’t share the winner with you, but as soon as I got home I went out and bought several pair of briefs. Underpants that fit. Underpants that give good fly. Underpants that make Mr. Happy . . . happy!

Words aren’t enough to tell you how my outlook on life has improved. All I can say is that Earl Butz only had it part right. “Loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to take a shit” are all well and good, but the man forgot “good-fittin’ underpants.” Next time anybody asks me if my underpants are too tight, I’ll look him right in the eye and say, “no sir, they fit just fine!”

On On,
Doctor Down-Down
The Euell Gibbons of Undergarments
The Maurice of Briefs
The Sultan of Shorts
Et Cetera

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

You think bad underpants are a problem? Just you try getting your tit caught in a wringer some time!

On On,
Teats de Swamp
Carolina Trash HHH

Dear Ms Swamp,

Honey, I’ve had my tits caught in places you’d get thrown out of!

On On,
Nurse Wretched
Chief, Clinical Services

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