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Ask Doctor Down-Down: July 1999

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

And here’s another reason I don’t like kegs . . . they go flat too fast.

On On,
A Stitch In Time Saved Mine, aka Stitch
Las Vegas Resur-Erection Hash House Harriers

Dear Stitch,

You need to start drinking faster, or invite more friends over. Your friend Traci can come over any time, as long as I’m invited!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I let the hares use my car for the B-van last week. I should have known better. I’ll never get the smell of beer out of the upholstery, and when I go over twenty the steering wheel pulls so hard to the right it’s all I can do to keep it going straight. When I complained to mismanagement, all they had to say was “Too bad.” My question is this: is there any legal precedent for a hasher suing his or her kennel for damages?

On On,
Fu King Lawyer
Samurai Hash House Harriers, Japan

Dear Fu King,

Funny you should mention . . . within the last two months some harriette filed suit against a hash kennel in the southeast, claiming her reputation had been permanently damaged as a result of the circle naming her “Short Cunt.” The judge ruled in the plaintiff’s favor, but instead of ordering the hash to pay punitive damages, ordered them to rename her. They renamed her “Short Lawyer.” My colleague Dr. Kervorkian attended the ensuing elective suicide.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I heard there’s a hasher named “Otis” who wants to turn hashing gay by 2000. Where can I sign up?

On On,
Barney Frank (D-Mass)
House of Representatives
Washington DC

Dear Representative Frank,

I used to think that hashing’s well-known “no poofters” rule was at least semi-serious, but recently discovered I was wrong. Late one night, after an Iguana Hash meet in Flagstaff, I crawled into my hotel bed and fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and found RongJon and LCB in bed with me! Uh, what was your question again?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I’m starting a grass roots campaign to get you appointed as the next United States Surgeon General. Your advice is always timely, accurate, and written in a manner that all (well maybe all except Rumson hashers) can comprehend, your character is above reproach, and you’re not afraid to address the controversial issues. I believe you’d make an excellent Surgeon General, and I want to urge your readers to express their support by e-mailing President Clinton at president@whitehouse.gov.

p.s. Can’t you just see the new warning label on beer containers?

WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, sipping beer is dangerous to your sobriety. To maximize the effectiveness of this beverage the entire contents of this container must be drank in one go. Any portion not immediately consumed is must be used as hair conditioner. Failure to follow these recommendations can lead to split ends and severe psychological disorders.

On On,
Oedipus Tex (aka ZiPpY tC)
Chairperson, Committee to Get Dr. Down-Down to Washington

Dear ZiPpy,

I’m flattered, but after seeing what happened to my pal Jocelyn Elders when she recommended adding basic wankage to elementary school curricula, I shudder to think what they’d do to me when they found out I was a friend of yours!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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