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Ask Doctor Down-Down: August 1999

Dear Doctor Down-Down, I read the following statement in a letter to the hash list. I can’t remember who sent it, but it got me thinking:

I just now heard that “mouse” is a northern European term, since at least the 1600s, for a bimbo’s naughty bits (I bet some northern European countries won’t even get this post, since there’s a mouse in the subject line). Or is “naughty bits” a British name for “mouse?” Does anyone out there know which came first, the naughty bits or the mouse?
As far as Swedish goes that is correct. “Mouse,” or rather “mus,” is a colloquial word for the female bits (as well as the smaller cousin of rats). I don’t know about Danish and Norwegian, but the whole thing makes me think. Another word for the same anatomical feature is, I understand, “beaver,” and the word “cunt” is derived from the word “coney” (pronounced “cunny”), an older word for “rabbit.” How come we men choose rodents, furry creatures with sharp teeth, when we want to mention female genitalia? Has it got something to do with the castration complex? Please, Doctor Down-Down, enlighten me!

On On,
Floater
Stockholm HHH

Dear Floater,

What a coincidence – Nurse Wretched is also of northern European extraction, which I suppose explains the Doc Martens and SS tattoos, and why she always insists Flying Booger call her “Oberst.” Nurse W. confirms that “mouse” (“maus,” “mus,” etc.) is a northern European nickname for female genitalia, but disputes your rodent theory. According to Nurse W., if you call a woman’s genitals her “mouse” or “beaver,” why don’t you also call it her “hamster,” “gerbil,” or “rat?” And what about “pussy?” Surely one cannot include the felidea among the rodentia?

As for the castration complex, I’ve unearthed some information you may find interesting, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Sally the One-Legged Orphan Girl reminds me that in many European countries (Italy, for example), a “bimbo” is a boy. Don’t worry – I didn’t show her your letter or tell her what Nurse W. and I were talking about – the poor child is confused enough.

But speaking of nicknames, slang terms, and euphemisms for the female sex organs, I’ve been working with a co-researcher, Dr. G. Carlin, to draw up a list of the terms men use.  Why just the terms men use?  Because women have a smaller vocabulary for their parts: “it,” “thingy,” and “you know”.  You will note that some terms fall into more than one category. Far from complete, and with marginalia, footnotes, appendices, and bibliography removed, here is what we have to date:

The Masculine Vocabulary for the Female Genitalia

Offensive to Women

  • Crack 
  • Cunt
  • Gash
  • Skank
  • Twat

Fishy (Offensive to Women)

  • Bearded Clam
  • Fish Taco
  • Fish Tank
  • Tuna Taco

Less Offensive to Women

  • Beaver
  • Betty
  • Box
  • Bush
  • Biscuit
  • Bunny
  • Cookie
  • Cooter
  • Mouse
  • Muff
  • Nooky (or Nookie)
  • Pussy
  • Rose

Fearsome Things

  • Eel-Skinner
  • Fly Trap
  • Goat-Milker
  • Manhole
  • Organ Grinder
  • Snapper
  • Snappin’ Pussy
  • Snatch
  • Tweeze

Cute But Slightly Fearsome

  • Beaver
  • Bunny
  • Mouse
  • Pussy

Physically Descriptive

  • Ass
  • Bearded Clam
  • Camel Toe
  • Canal
  • Cleft
  • Crack
  • Cranny
  • Crease
  • Crevice
  • Crotch
  • Delta
  • Gap
  • Gash
  • Hole (Love Hole, etc)
  • Lower Lips
  • Mound
  • Muff
  • Nether Lips
  • Slash
  • Slit
  • Slot
  • Split
  • Triangle
  • Tube
  • Tunnel (of Love)
  • Vertical Smile

Furry

  • Ball of Yarn
  • Bearded Clam
  • Bunny
  • Bush
  • Felt
  • Fur
  • Fur Burger
  • Hair Pie
  • Muff
  • Patch
  • Pelt
  • Pussy
  • Thatch
  • Wool

Odd & Olde English

  • Coot
  • Cootch
  • Cooze
  • Cunny
  • Minge
  • Piece
  • Poontang
  • Quiff
  • Quim

Edible

  • Bearded Clam
  • Beef Curtains
  • Biscuit
  • Cookie
  • Fish Taco
  • Fur Burger
  • Hair Pie
  • Honeypot
  • Meat Flaps
  • Taco
  • Tuna Taco
  • Vertical Bacon Sandwich
  • Yum-Yum

Man-Made Structures

  • Canal (“love canal”)
  • Ditch
  • Furrow
  • Highway (“highway to heaven”)
  • Manhole
  • Sluiceway
  • Tunnel

All in all, answering your letter has proven to be a most satisfactory exercise. I don’t know about you, Floater, but I learned something from all this.  I learned that no matter what a man thinks about, he’ll be thinking about pussy at the same time!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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