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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 1999

Dear Readers,

Doctor Down-Down is enjoying a few weeks of much-needed rest at O.J. Simpson’s Golf Camp & Stress Disorder Clinic in Santa Monica. Standing in for the doctor this month is his esteemed colleague, the internationally-acclaimed proctologist Doctor Square Root.

Flying Booger
Piss Boy

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Up is down. Send $8.00 to Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc, Worms, Germany.

On On,
Stray Dog

Dear Stray Dog,

Are you sure? In the graduate physics program here at Berkeley, they assured me that up was up.

On On,
Dr. Square Root

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I don’t think that those Nobel laureates in California have the Hashing experience behind them that the group here in Birmingham does, nor do they have my European live-Hare trail experience. Do you know that I’ve caught seventeen Hares? Well, you can continue to get your issues four months late if you like, but up is down.

Send $12.50 to Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc, Birmimgham AL.

On On,
Stray Dog

Dear Stray Dog,

Here’s a copy of Newton’s law of gravitation [equation omitted - ed.]. Clearly, up is up.

On On,
Dr. Square Root

Dear Doctor Down-Down (why do you keep calling yourself “Square Root?”),

I haven’t seen Newton’s webb page, but I assure you that the Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc webb page is the most complete and up-to-date in existence, plus it is the only one with a hard copy edition that is not only the most complete and up-to-date, but with a new edition issued every ten days, is the most frequently published. Maybe you were referring to Magic’s guide, which is over two years old, and may very well say that up is up. However, up is down.

Send $6.00 to: Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc, Ragland AL

On On,
Stray 
Dog

Dear Stray Dog,

Geez, look. Here’s a simple experiment. I will step out of the door on the ground floor of a large building. You step out of a window on the tenth floor. That should give you a little less than three seconds to understand the difference between up and down.

On On,
Dr. Square Root

Dear Doctor Down-Down (I really must insist that you stop calling yourself “Square Root”),

Maybe in your Hash up is up. I try to be large-minded about these things, so as I write in my best-selling, ten million copies in print, HANDBOOK OF THE LIVE HARE, it may be that you are a poofter who Hashes dead Hare trails and needs a vacuum pump to get a proper erection, but THAT’s OKAY, because the important thing is to have fun, no matter how worthless a cretin you are. But for myself, and all red-blooded men who prefer the company of women, up is down.

Send $8.99 to: Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc, Orlando FL.

On On,
Stray Dog

Dear Stray Dog,

I really think you should try Square Root’s experiment. Right now.

On On,
OPie

Dear Hash-L,

I’m tired of all the carping and personal attacks that pass for information on HASH-L. I further understand that another Hasher lost his job, had to spend a week in the stocks, and was placed on the O.J. jury because he received a message at work from HASH-L with the word “fuck” in the subject line. Over the last year, I’ve watched the subscription base of HASH-L drop from 87,000,000 Hashers down to five because a few of you had to flame everyone. Assholes have opinions, why can’t I be one? Or something. But forget it. I’m starting my own list. It won’t be a listserver; all the messages will go to me, and I’ll send them out as I get them unless I’m working on Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc or out of town or working or doing something else, and you’ll get everything, just not the bad stuff or obscene subject lines or messages that criticize Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc or fascist cross-dressers who insist that up is up and down is down. You won’t have Stray Dog to kick around anymore. It is not with anger but with sorrow. Up is down.

Send $19.95 to: Globular Hash MegaCorp Inc, Pyongyang, Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea.

On On,
Stray Dog

Dear Dr. Square Root,

Thank God, he’s gone!

On On,
Access Denied

Dear Access Denied,

I saw that!

On On,
Stray Dog

And on (and on, and on) . . .

Return to Ask Dr. Down-Down

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