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Ask Doctor Down-Down: January 2000

Dear Dr. Down-Down,I have learned three very important lessons during this millennium, and I would like to share this wisdom with y’all.

  • Never lick a steak knife.
  • Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Been there, done that,
Teats de Swamp

Dear Swampthusela,

Thank you for those millennial nuggets of gold. But did it really take you a thousand years to learn them? You must be pretty slow. Me, I’m only in my fifties, and I don’t expect to live much more than eighty years, but I’ve learned at least that many things in my short life. Here are a few of my own:

  • Never try to get ZiPpY to leave the camp. I wasted a whole weekend in Colorado learning that one.
  • Never question the existence of the Big Bitches of Lutz. Trust me on that one.
  • Never try to get Nurse Wretched drunk and fuck her. She put me under the table and had her way with me instead. I felt so . . . violated!
  • Never hide Sally’s crutch. I’m still learning that one. One-legged Bosnian orphan girls know all about getting even.
  • Never argue with Stray Dog. You both end up covered in shit, and he likes it.

Good luck in your second millennium, lady!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Pssst . . . wanna see some naked pictures of Pay Per View?

On On,
Floater

Dear Floater,

I think the aforementioned ZiPpY said this first, and all I can do is say Amen, brother . . . I’ve seen so many harriettes naked lately, I only masturbate to photos of them with their clothes on. Or, with apologies to Sperm Burp, to photos of them covered in cactus quills . . . now that’s kinky! A-hehnn!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

What, exactly, is “macking”?

On On,
Hash Potato

Dear Hash Potato,

I was going to say, “you got me,” but a quick word search on Google.com leads me to conclude that macking involves kissing chaunch with MacIntosh computers. Apparently you mack with your floppy and you can never get a virus, although you might get some cheese. Or something like that. Nurse Wretched says she’ll show me tonight. If I remember tomorrow morning, I’ll send you a full report.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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