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Ask Doctor Down-Down: February 2000

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

So Hillary Rodham Clinton finds herself in an elevator with Ellen DeGeneres. The elevator gets stuck between floors. Hillary starts to take off her clothes and says, “Oh, Ellen, do me like a real woman.” And Ellen says, “Okay, if we ever get out of here, I’ll get you a management position at the network, but you’ll never make more than 78.6% of what male executives make, and you’ll still have to do the dishes when you come home at night.”

On On,
Barney Frank (D, Mass)
House of Representatives
Washington, DC

Dear Barney,

Heard it.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I am happy to report that I am physically well, but my mental condition now sucks! I have been having a recurring nightmare:

I ordered a chocolate chip cookie recipe from Nieman-Marcus over the internet and paid for it with with my credit card. Due to a misspelling of my name with the credit card number, my order defaulted and I became wanted for fraud. While fleeing from the law, I developed a serious case of sore feet, so I went to a doctor who turned out to be a quack, because his only cure for my sore feet was to get circumcised. Since I already suffer from that condition, I turned myself in to the authorities and was sentenced to 12 hours of community service as the host of a Bris-B-Q. That probably would have been okay except that I kept misspelling “bris” and ended all of my sentences with infinitives.

Please Doctor, ole buddy ole pal ole hasher dude. Give me a way out of this nitemare!

On On,

Dear KeepsITup,

Your nightmare can be traced back to one root cause – the deplorable yet universal practice of umbilicision, ritual stomach mutilation forced upon helpless newborns by generation after generation of parents of all cultures and religions. Think how much healthier we would all be if we had blackened withered stalks instead of navels!

But no one, not even I, can undo the past. Once the cord is cut, the baby is ruined for life. But there is hope for you. No, life will never be complete for the victims of umbilicision, but it can be better. What can I do to improve my miserable life, you ask? It’s simple–take Dr. Down-Down’s Three-Step Program to Holistic Hash Health & Happiness!

Step One: Quit hashing with women and join a men-only kennel.Step Two: Unsubscribe from Hash-L and join Mr. McDowell’s censored list.Step Three: Pull the stem off a large bell pepper, let it dry on the windowsill for two weeks, and glue it into your navel.On On,
Dr. Down-DownDear Doctor Down-Down,

Okay, how about this one:

A poofter from old Khartoum
Took Melissa Etheridge up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
On On,
Barney Frank (D, Mass)
House of Representatives

Washington, DC

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