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Ask Doctor Down-Down: April 2000

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I enjoy the rough and tumble interplay between hashers on our e-mail list, but sometimes people can be just a little too rough and tumble. Why, just the other day someone criticized me for posting a perfectly legitimate “compare and contrast” message about the difference between my well-intentioned efforts to help the hash and the nasty destructive undermining conspiracy all the other hash editors – unhashmanlike assholes to a man – are engaged in. It hurt my feelings, and I’m considering resigning from the list . . . no, this time I really mean it . . . don’t embarrass me by begging me to stay. But before I pull the plug (to the hashing world’s unestimable loss), some time ago I read a nice list of e-mail etiquette rules on the list, and I was wondering if you could post a copy of it in your column?

On On,
Stray “Ononhasher@aol.com” Dog
World HHH Headquarters, Ragland, Alabama

Dear Mr. Dog,

Why sure, I remember those etiquette rules. They were originally written and posted by our mutual friend Access Denied, and they go like this:

Rule 10: Never forget that the wanker reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, do it!Rule 9: Behave on-line as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what’s acceptable. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others’ time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long. Copy the entire message in a reply. And be sure to send plenty of uuencoded graphics and long pointless bullshit tomes.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good on-line – always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences. If only for Teats de Swamp’s benefit.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone’s buttons, send private e-mail to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: Lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people’s privacy . . . if you have some dirt about a hasher, spread it via private e-mail, but then (oops!) post the whole thread to the list by “accident.”

Rule 2: Don’t abuse your power. Flame everyone.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a hash list newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.

On On,
Dr. Down-DownDear Dr. Down-Down, If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked; and dry cleaners depressed?

On On,
Mouse

Dear Mouse,

If that’s true, then Stray Dog could be defrauded, strippers denuded, Phyllis Diller defanged, fashion models deposed, celebrities defamed, Gunga Dick deciphered (or decoded, take your choice), blondes dezoned, Rongjon detoxified, glaziers defenestrated, John Wayne Bobbit deboned, the Oscars deforested, Windows 95 debugged (nah . . . too far-fetched), PBS deanglicized, Clinton deflowered, Hillary deliberated, nuns and priests debauched, KeepsItUp deflated, miners declaimed, social climbers declassified, Hedon decamped, etymologists determined, commercials debunked, recreational drug users deluuded, new shoe wearers debriefed, No$ents and the Tucson Hash departed, Mount Rushmore defaced, the Discovery Channel denatured, Mark Fuhrman desegregated, Jesse Helms demeaned, religious zealots demoralized, information management specialists defiled . . . and mice detailed.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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