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Ask Doctor Down-Down: April 2001

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Why is “colonel” spelled with no “r” yet pronounced with one?

On On!
Big Hammer
Lion City HHH, Singapore

Dear BH,

I could just as easily ask why “whore” is spelled with an “r” yet pronounced without it, but some folks might think that politically incorrect. It is far safer to ask why less than 1 percent of English-speaking people can spell “definitely” without looking it up first. I realize this isn’t answering your question, so I gave your note to Flying Booger, our resident English major, who said: “R U kidding?” Then I asked Sally, the one-legged orphan girl from Bosnia, who said her whole country would be up Sht Crkk if “r” wasn’t in the alphabet at least three times. Finally I put your question to Nurse W, who said forget the colonel, she’d settle for a lieutenant or two sergeants, preferably all three at once. I give up.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

If you go to the Half-Mind main page and stare at the buttons, small black dots randomly appear and disappear right before your eyes. What is this subliminal voodoo/witchcraft you guys are trying to brainwash us with?

Must run and drink beer . . .

Must run and drink beer . . .

On On,
Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Shit
Rat Pack HHH, Las Vegas

Dear Hunka,

Funny you should mention that. Just last night Nurse W asked me to look for her G-spot. The minute she opened her legs my eyes started burnin’, I began to see not just her spot but lots of spots, and the next thing I knew I’d passed cleaned out. I’m still a little woozy, in fact.

Ahem. Where was I? Ah . . . knowing the folks over at the Half-Mind Catalog as I do, “subliminal” would be the very last word I’d use to describe anything they did. You must be easily led. Why don’t you come over and look for Nurse W’s G-spot?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Six Million Won Man and I have a disagreement. He says “running” is the “r-word” that is not to be used at a Hash. I say it’s actually “r–ing,” . . . hmm, I can’t even bring myself to type it here . . . lemme see if I can get around the problem . . . “ace,” with an “r” in front of it. Makes me nauseous just to think about it. Sometimes I run when I hash, but I never, uh well, you know, do the “r” word. The mere thought of competitive running makes me want to hurl epithets and small blocks of concrete at those engaged in that foul deed. Speaking of which, did you know that aside from Marathon being the name of a Greek town when spelled with a capital letter, with a lower case “m,” the word marathon actually translates to “Idiot” (with a capital “I”) in Greek. Really, no shit.

On On,
Toejam
Frankfurt HHH, Germany

Dear Toejam,

Thank you for that most educational letter, and what the fuck is it with the letter “r” this month? Anyway, I agree with you . . . running’s always been part of hashing, racing never. True, there are hashers in out of the way places who think hashing is competitive cross-country racing, but that’s because no one has shown them the Way. You know, that’s what’s wrong with hashing today . . . too many people have their own damn ideas. I swear, those Taliban guys have it right . . . make everyone toe the line and eventually they’ll come to love you. With or without an “r.”

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Hashers,

This is an open letter to my friends and acquaintances in the hash.

I was sitting in a toilet stall at SFO the other day, quietly going about my business, when I heard the guy in the next stall start talking to someone. My first thought was “sexual diversity is wonderful but they’d better not try to join me in my stall.” Then I realized the guy was talking to his secretary on a cell phone while he was pinching a loaf.

Is this a trend? Well, Doctor Down-Down’s not playing. Henceforth I am no longer accepting telephone calls. Don’t even bother trying to call me. I won’t answer.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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