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Ask Doctor Down-Down: June 2000

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

In an attempt to get the hash-l off stupid subjects like e-mail viruses, Mac vs PC or Head who Said Head debates I decided I was going to make something interesting up to discuss. There’s always something going on when you work next to the White House, World Bank and International Monetary Fund. Heck, yesterday the American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property were out making a statement about the Elian situation. Of course I paid them no mind, I was just trying to get some lunch.

Anyway, enough babbling. I chose to drive into DC this morning so I could have a place to stash my laptop during the Cinco de Mayo happy hour festivities tonight. While sitting at a stop light on the 14th Street Bridge (yep, same bridge former Mayor Marion Barry made the prostitutes walk across when he kicked them out many years ago but that’s a entirely different story) when I heard a “THUD” and felt a small jolt. When traffic started moving I heard what I thought was the loudest Harley in history only to discover all that noise was me. My muffler fell off on the 14 Street Bridge! My question for you, dear doctor, is this:

Will duct tape work?

On On!
Pay Per View

Dear Ms. View,

What they didn’t tell us was that when they nabbed Elian he was on such a Twinkie high it took five jack-booted thugs and one heavily-armed social worker to hold him down and keep him still. By the time they got him to the helicopter he was going into withdrawal and they had to wrap him in duct tape to prevent self-induced flailing injuries. That photo of him in his dad’s arms? You got it. Under their clothes they were duct-taped together. And you thought we had a free press in the USA. Hah.

That old 14th Street Bridge could tell some tales, if it could talk. So could my bedroom dresser mirror.

Yes, duct tape will work just fine. Cut a 48-inch length of tape off the roll. Stick one end to your forehead, then wrap the rest of the tape around and around your head as many times as it will go, being sure to cover your ears each time around. Leave the tape in place until you get your car to Midas.

I remember that in a previous letter you told me you shaved your hair. I hope you still do, otherwise there’ll be a down side to this duct tape thing.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

THIS is an open letter to the “gentlemen” who belong to a certain group of Hash House Harriers. I am informed that there are five or six of these groups, and so far we have managed to eliminate all but two of the groups from involvement in the incident to which I will refer.

However, the names of three of those involved are known to me, and if necessary I’m sure the group or groups concerned can be identified quite easily. I refer, gentlemen, to your ‘gathering” in the “______ Hilton.” To say that you added to the enjoyment of Thursday evening, June 5 would be exaggeration to the nth degree. In fact I think I would be correct in saying that you drove most people away from the restaurant that evening much earlier than they would otherwise have gone. Upon our departure there were only three tables occupied – all three by the group of Hash House Harriers who had been “hashing” in the area that evening. The rest of the customers had fled.

Noise is one thing, but vulgarity and plain bad manners are not acceptable; firecrackers are dangerous and punishable by prosecution in the area, and you were responsible for setting off three in the course of the evening, mostly aimed at two young ladies occupying another rowdy table.

Your piece de resistance however was, in my opinion, most vulgar and totally lacking in respect for either the local people looking on or for those people who had merely come to the ______ Hilton to spend a pleasant evening with friends.

Taking down both sets of pants so that your bare essentials were visible to the public was not called for – and I for one would ask your organisation for a public apology addressed not only to me, and to those others present, but also to the proprietors of the restaurant. What makes it all the more unforgivable is that your average age must have been over 40, and your intelligence level must have been quite high to have included a banker and a headmaster of a school in ______ among your number.

Moreover, as most of you must have been family men, would you have felt comfortable had your wife and/or children walked into the restaurant as you were performing? I think not. It has been suggested that your behaviour was caused perhaps by consuming too much alcohol. Since, in this case, some of your number arrived five to 10 minutes after our party had sat at table, and since we didn’t manage to become incapable of intelligent thought or action in the time we were there, I am of the opinion that all of this was done while you were also “of sound mind and judgement.” All the more reprehensible – would you not agree?

“Gentlemen” harriers, those involved have not admitted their guilt though several other harrier groups were very quick to say that they were not involved. I assume that this reaction is to be expected, since someone has now dared to say that you cannot behave in such a way and expect to come off scot free.

I sum up by saying that, in my opinion, you are the most vulgar, rude and disrespectful group of men (l should say “gang” of men) with whom it has ever been my misfortune to share a restaurant.

I hope this letter shames you into at least apologising, anonymously if you must, for your behaviour.

My last point is this: What you as a group do in private is entirely your own affair, but please do not ask the public to tolerate this kind of behaviour. It is an insult to us all.

Signed,
Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

I am shocked. Shocked. Firecrackers? Bare essentials? This could not have been any group of Hash House Harriers I have ever heard of. Had they been Hash House Harriers, I’m certain they would have Alouetted your entire table!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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