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Ask Doctor Down-Down: July 2000

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Yep, dreams are out of control again. Have two recurring dreams these days – I’m either mountain biking or masturbating. Don’t know what the mountain biking symbolizes, maybe the desire to do a Bash soon or something. I’m afraid of the other one though – seems I enjoy sex by myself too much. Is this a sign I’m gonna remain UnFuckable forever?

On On!
Pay Per View

Dear Ms. View,

For you, dear, the doctor is always up, uh, I mean in. Whatever. Both, actually.

Dreams again, hmmm? Who are you kidding? Everybody knows about girls and bikes, although I must say that according to my piss boy Flying Booger you’d get off a lot faster riding a Harley than a mountain bike, especially if there’s not much padding on the seat. It’s just another sex dream, which means you have your priorities straight, so not to worry.

Now about those masturbation dreams . . . you’re doing it all backwards, young lady. You’re supposed to dream about having sex, then wake up an masturbate. Doing it your way, you dream about masturbating, then you wake up and have to have sex. This could be a problem at three or four in the morning. You might wind up with some bozo you find on the street, and what kind of guy do you find on the street at three or four in the morning? Probably not Tom Cruise. No, no, no . . . it’s much better to dream first and masturbate second.

This “unfuckable” thing is a complete mystery to me. Imagine the ugliest woman. Somewhere there’s a man who’d give his right arm to fuck her. Shoot, Flying Booger’s been in the dumps ever since Mother Teresa died because now he’ll never get to hit on her. There’s a woman for the ugliest man, if only they could find eachother. There may be young virgins who swear they’ll never fuck, but they pretty much all do, eventually. So I think this unfuckable thing must be more of a mental attitude, an approach to life, a kind of Zen. If that’s what unfuckableness is, then perhaps I can understand it better, because physically we’re all eminently fuckable.

Most of the “unfuckable” hashers I know, with the exception of ZiPpY, myself, and those reprobates from Rumson, are young, healthy, and attractive. Certainly fuckable in the literal sense. But as I read the e-mail on the Hash List, I see more and more hashers coming out as “unfuckables.” So what gives? I’ll tell you what I think.

I think that hashers instinctively apprehend the severe consequences to society were we, as a group, to reproduce . . . that’s what I think. Hence we remain celibate, at least with other hashers. Imagine the offspring of, say, RongJon and Swamp Bitch. The horror! God, I can’t go on. Excuse me, I need gin. Lots of it.

Thank you for not breeding (unless you wanna do it with me) . . .

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Readers,

Several hashers have told me to visit the Bond Girl Name Generator. Well, I did, and I have to say I was disappointed. The names it generates . . . Queen Fouraday, Mucho Derriere, Connie Getitup, and so on . . . are lamer than the ones in the movies.

So I conducted a bit of internet research into the Bond Girl names. I was surprised to discover that only a few BG names fit the “Pussy Galore” stereotype. Most BG names, as a matter of fact, are quite different. The real Bond Girls were:

Honey Ryder, Miss Taro, Sylvia Trench, Tatiana Romanova, Jill & Tilly Masterson, Pussy Galore, Domino Derval, Fiona Volpe, Patricia Fearing, Aki, Helga Brandt, Kissy Suzuki, Tracy de Vicenzo, Ruby Barlett, Nancy, Plenty O’Toole, Tiffany Case, Miss Caruso, Bambi & Thumper, Solitaire, Andrea Anders, Rosie Carver, Miss Caruthers, Mary Goodnight, Major Anya Amasova (aka Agent XXX), the unnamed girl in the log cabin from The Spy Who Loved Me, Naomi, Holly Goodhead, Corrine Dufour, Manuela, Dolly, Melina Havelock, Bibi Dahl, Countess Lisi, Domino Petachi, Fatima Blush, Octopussy herself, May Day, Magda, Stacy Sutton, Pola Ivanova, Kara Milovy, Pam Bouvier, Lupe Lamora, Caroline, Natalya Siminova, Xenia Onatopp, Irina, Paris Carver, Wai Lin, Chu Me, Professor Inga Bergstrom, Dr. Christmas Jones, Dr. Molly Warmflash, and Elektra King. Memorable names, every one.

So what does any of this have to do with hashing? How about this – who thinks her hash name is the most Bond Girl-like? I’m waiting for your cards and letters!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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