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Ask Doctor Down-Down: August 2000

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I have a serious hash question. It’s this – what is the world hash record for highest number of drink stops on one hash? Who set it? Where? and how long was it? I’ve heard that Try A Fuck has the record with 17 beer stops out of the GoNADS hash on a country r*n somewhere in Belgium . . . is this true? My co-hare and I want to break it. . . .

On On!
Battered Woman
Over the Hump HHH

Dear Ms. Woman,

Wouldn’t you know, the issue is in dispute. Try a Fuck’s record is an excellent place to start, but as I ask representatives of various hashes to tell me about their drink stop records, they naturally try to trump Try a Fuck (and you thought hashing was non-competitive). Frankly, some of their claims are ludicrous. Ft. Eustis, for example, claims not only to be the first hash in the USA, but also claims that each hash they’ve ever held has been one stop on an unending pub crawl, putting them at well over a thousand drink stops. So there’s really no way to get accurate information here. If Try a Fuck had actually had 17 drink stops on one hash, he’s a better man than I am!

I hope this helps you with your interesting query, and if you’re ever in the neighborhood, stop by the hospice for a martini or two.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

p.s. Here’s a thought to get you through the week

Starkle Starkle little twink,
Who the hell are you I think,
I’m not as drunk as thinkle peep,
I’m just a little slort of sheep,
A few brewkies make a guy,
Fool so feelish, don’t know why,
Really don’t know who’s me yet,
The drunker I stay the longer I get,
So just one more to fill my cup,
I’ve all day sober to Sunday up.

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Hi! Could you tell me what the job of Hash Harlet consists of doing? My girlfriend just got this position in our hash here in Korea and has asked me to find out what the position requires. I would be thankful for any info. Thanks for your time.

On On,
Mike “Jack My Ass” Krish
Osan Bulgogi HHH, Korea

Dear Jack My Ass,

Whatever her job is, let us fervently hope she does not ask you for help spelling.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I am writing to ask about the Hash House Harriers, a self-described “drinking club with a running problem.” I am the director of the National Park Service and recently received a report about members of this club causing several problems during a recent weekend campout at Camp Mueller, a privately-owned facility located a half mile from the South District ranger station in Cuyahoga Valley, Ohio. According to the ranger’s report, the group leased a fully-stocked beer truck for their stay, then disturbed area residents by partying through the night. On Saturday afternoon, group members, many in various stages of intoxication, walked a mile to the Indigo Lake boarding site for the park’s scenic railroad. They verbally harassed visitors on the park’s towpath trail while on the way; at least one member mooned passing vehicles and people from the train on its trip north. When rangers intercepted the train to investigate complaints stemming from the above-mentioned incidents, a member of the group disembarked from the train and urinated on a park patrol car. That individual was arrested and fined $200 by the federal magistrate, and the entire group was warned for disorderly conduct. It is not known how often or where the Hash House Harriers meet, but they are known to have been involved in at least two other confrontations with park rangers in other states. Can you help me locate the national director of the Hash House Harriers so that I may initiate legal action against future group activities on National Park Service land?

On On,
Dale Silvis, Director
National Park Service

Dear Mr. Silvas,

Always happy to help our jack-booted federal thugs. The national director of the Hash House Harriers (we call the position “Grand Master”) is Senator Edward “Ted the Tu-Tu Fairy” Kennedy. You can contact him at the following address or phone number:

Senator Edward Kennedy
315 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington DC 20510
(202) 224-4543

Or you could just drop by the Senate on your way to work at the NPS headquarters bunker. You can’t miss our Grand Master . . . he’ll be the one in the stained T-shirt, staggering after Barbara Feinstein, leaving a weaving trail of piss and whiskey breath. I’m certain Senator Kennedy will do everything in his power to help you prevent future Hash House Harrier-related problems on National Park Service property – by the way, did I miss something, or didn’t that used to be called “our” property?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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