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Ask Doctor Down-Down: February 2001

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Damn, I’m sure gonna miss the Army. I’ve been asked to retire . . . seems like times are changin’ and I’m too old fashioned to Be All They Want Me To Be. Well, I celebrated my upcoming retirement by raping a female private and ordering another one to give me a blow job under my desk, then spent my afternoon writing unsatisfactory fitness reports on the minority officers assigned to my command. Hah, won’t all those porch monkeys be surprised when promotion time rolls around! Ah, well, it’s been real.

On On!
General Halftrack, Camp Swampy

Dear General,

Sorry to hear the Army’s losing one of its great leaders. But hey, I hear the Bush administration’s hiring!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Of all the female cartoon characters, which ones do you fantasize about having sex with? I dunno about you, but Nancy’s Aunt Fritzie looks like one hot babe to me!

On and On,
Screw Ewe

Screw ewe too, butt-munch!

Just my opinion, but I believe most men fantasize about brunette cartoon females, especially when you have a brunette and a blonde in the same strip, like in Dagwood, with Tootsie and Blondie . . . I mean, which one would you put the moves on? Tootsie, I bet. Blonde cartoon females might be nice to look at, but something about them suggests that if they ever used the word “rut,” they’d be using it as a noun, not a verb.

There’s an exception, of course, and that’s Betty and Veronica. You just know Betty gets it on. Probably with Archie and Jughead at the same time! Veronica, on the other hand, is clearly frigid, and if she does put out, it would only be for a BMOC like Reggie.

How ’bout that engineer babe in Dilbert? Yes I would! Olive Oyl? Too neurotic. Calvin’s mom? Nah . . . too yuppie. Smurfette? You bet! The bitchy wife in Life With Father? Fantastic bod, but you gotta get past the face. Brenda Starr? A-woooo! And Nancy’s Aunt Fritzie? Hey, back off, buddy, I saw her first! Put the moves on Hazel; she’s more your style.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

What about the child cartoon characters, like Little Orphan Annie or Lucy in Peanuts? Some of them are pretty cute!

On On,
Beaver Bam Bam Balls

Dear Beaver,

You, sir, are a pervert. Of course, Little Orphan Annie is actually a well-preserved septuagenarian, so maybe in her case . . . nah, those eyes give me the willies.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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