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Ask Doctor Down-Down: August 2001

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Oh, the humanity! Pay Per View, Watergate, and Battered Woman are absolutely positively desperately in need of guidance. Please, please, please. Tell us. Soon. We need to know.

If you cum in outerspace and no one hears you scream, does it count?

Persuant to BW’s admission that yes, she was raised in Wisconsin, and, no, she still (until three minutes ago) wasn’t quite clear on the concept of dingleberries, when using the Bottoms Up kit, sold exclusively by goodvibrations.com (and endorsed by Anal Pleasure and Health), could you explain to her why you really don’t care that your lube is unflavored. She is insistent that she have dingleberry flavored lube for her wedding night pleasures.

Please note that she and Hot Quarter Load will be registering for all wedding gifts at the afore mentioned web site. I shall be the clearing house for all things needed to be tested. Let it also be known that there is a collection being taken to provide her with a lifetime supply of batteries.

Oh, yeah. The ultrasound of PPV’s heart has revealed that much like many of her former boyfriends (who have scrotums in place of their heart), her heart looks like a scrotum.

The concensus is that the Bottoms Up kit is the best of breed.

On On!
Washington DC

Dear Watergate,

ALways nice to know that our public servants are finding innovative ways to use the Internet! Actually, we tested the Bottoms Up kit last year, right here at the hospice. You’re correct that unflavored lubes are as effective as the flavored varieties, but in our experience with the product we learned that the sensation it provides is enhanced by a strongly-scented lube. Of course we were trying it out on Nurse Wretched, who has a powerful bouquet of her own. Personally I recommend “new car.”

Heart like a scrotum? I always knew there was something I liked about Pay Per View!

We at the hospice have gone together on a wedding present for Battered Woman and Hot Quarter Load, but we don’t want to send it too early. You wouldn’t happen to know how long a pair of gerbils can survive in a FedEx mailer, would you?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I was introduced years ago to the concept of Hash House Harriers by a friend living in Taiwan but I never pursued it here in Southern California. I accidentally fell into one of your websites today and I have an important question before I go any deeper. How far are the runs?

On On,
Somewhere in Southern California

Dear Lin,

We generally call them “hashes,” not “runs,” even though running is involved, at least for most of us. Go figure. Anyway, to your question: How far are the runs? Some hashes run in your area, and those hashes would not be very far at all. Not knowing exactly where you live, I’d guess that those average 20 miles, possibly less. Were you to go hashing with Watergate in Washington DC, that run would be nearly 3,000 miles away, which is pretty far. But the wonderful thing about hashing is that you can go as far as you want – there are hashes in China, 12,000 or more miles from Southern California. Now that’s far!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

I have looked EVERWHERE for this bit of hash info and can’t find it! I would like to organize an Easter Kegg Hunt for our hashers. Do you know where I can go to find out how to do this, and how to get some fun ideas? Please help!

On On,
Just My Size
Snout, Arkansas

Dear Just,

It really makes me feel good to be able to give timely advice to a sister hasher. Easter’s just a few months away! Anyway, what you do is get about a dozen pony kegs of beer from your local distributor. This is based on the assumption that there will be twice as many hashers as kegs of beer . . . if your pack is very large, you’ll need to buy more kegs, of course. Get a really big sink, or better yet an empty cement mixer, and dye the kegs in various pastel colors. When the kegs are dry (rent an industrual blower for the purpose), use the cement truck to deliver them to various points along a pre-laid trail, then hide them cleverly in the shiggy. The key here is to pre-lay the trail . . . very few hares are physically capable of carrying a dozen or more pony kegs while laying a live trail! Don’t worry that the front runners will snap up the kegs you left on trail, leaving slow members of the pack kegless. That’s the beauty of it . . . as soon as the front runners start carrying kegs they’ll slow right down, and the DFLs will take the lead. Those 100-pound kegs are great equalizers!

To complete the Easter theme, nail your RA to a cross right in the center of your circle. Have a great hash!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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