Dear Doctor Down-Down,
American beer sucks. What do you think of that, eh?
Royal Canadian Mounter
Beerism rears its ugly head (so to speak) again. I cannot allow RC Mounter to make this outrageous assertion unchallenged.
Linguists believe contemporary American English is closer in pronounciation to the English spoken over 200 years ago than is modern British English. Until very recently, you see, America isolated itself from the outside world, whereas England exercised influence over, and was influenced by, a global empire. The result? American English remained static while British English evolved and changed.
I have a similar theory about beer . . . I believe Pabst Light to be nearly identical to the piss Brits and Europeans brewed 200+ years ago. And I say, if it was good enough for Cotton Mather, then damnit, it’s good enough for you and me!
Dear Doctor Down-Down,
We’ve developed a dispute over how much nannies should pay when they come to the hash to watch hashers’ children. I’m sure this has come up in your hash before. The hashers/employers in question suggest that the domestics shouldn’t have to pay at all, since, after all, they’re just the help. The Hash Cash of 10,000 guaranies (USD 2.25) would wipe out the domestics, since most of them make less than this a day. I know you’re thinking, “What the fuck kind of a hash do you have down there in Paraguay? What are the kids doing there in the first place?” Sir, we are a kind, gentle hash and welcome children. We are proud that after only five runs one tyke has already been disciplined for singing down-down songs at school. We believe in the family, Dr., and recognize that you must start early to instill the lack of values that will last a hasher his whole life!
GM & Cruise Director
Dear Mr. Sox,
Rarely have I been so disturbed by a letter as I am by yours. You pay your domestic help so little that they can’t afford the hash? What kind of racket are you running down there? My God, the poorest-paid sub-minimum-wage-plus-tips waitress in the US of A can afford three or four bucks a week to go to the hash! Have a heart, you greedhead. You know what you are? You’re a capitalist exploiter of the working masses! If you’re not going to pay your employees a living wage, the least you can do is let them come to the hash and drink all the beer they want for free!
Oh, and as for the kids? Kids should never be allowed at the hash. Period.
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