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Ask Doctor Down-Down: December 2001

Dear Readers,

I don’t know about you, but I’m at my wit’s end with all the junk mail and electronic spam I’m getting lately. But some junk mail is better than the rest, and the odd come-on really stands out. This one, for example . . . which, in the spirit of the Holidays, I’ve decided to share with you!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

MegaCorp Inc. here with news of an incredible breakthrough in hash technology! What is it? It’s not a slicer, dicer, or ricer — it’s not a T-shirt, whistle, name tag, or foot decal — it’s not a newsletter, magazine, roster, songbook, or directory — it’s not chalk, flour, lye, or paper — it’s not a button, can opener, beer cozy, personalized luggage strap, or quality cloth patch — no, folks, it’s MegaCorp’s patented Miracle Hash Product®, a revolutionary new all-in-one transparent digital seamless one-size-fits-all portable hashing accessory you can’t afford to be without, and it’s available now, for a limited time only, just in time for your holiday season gift-giving!

You have to have Miracle Hash Product®! Miracle Hash Product® is the answer to your hashing prayers! Miracle Hash Product® fits in your hash bag! Miracle Hash Product® weighs less than five pounds! Miracle Hash Product® comes in a wide selection of decorator colors! Miracle Hash Product®’s polystyrene exterior is virtually indestructible! You can take Miracle Hash Product® with you on trail! Miracle Hash Product® even works when submerged in beer! Miracle Hash Product® is a hit anywhere! Everybody loves Miracle Hash Product®!

Miracle Hash Product ®

And what would you pay for an item like this? $19.95? $25.95? Even $59.95? NO!!! Miracle Hash Product® is yours, if you act now, for only $12.95 plus shipping & handling, residents of California and New York add applicable taxes, add $5.00 if you are an InterHASHional News subscriber, add $1.50 penalty fee if you send event and contact updates to the Half-Mind Catalog, add $4.95 if you wish to receive Miracle Hash Product® before Christmas, add $2.32 if you expect to receive Miracle Hash Product® at any time, extended product warranty available for a mere $2.53, subtract $1.84 if you are a current MegaCorp Gold Card holder, subtract $1.00 if you ever were a MegaCorp Gold Card holder, subtract 57 cents if you have ever thought about applying for a MegaCorp Gold Card, subtract 23 cents if your hash owns a copy of the MegaCorp Songbook, Visa & MasterCard accepted, make checks payable to WrongCo, Inc.

How long would you be willing to wait for a product like Miracle Hash Product®? Two months? Three months? Six months? NO!!! You’ll wait a lot longer than that, dear friends! But don’t despair, we’ll advertise Miracle Hash Product® every couple of days to keep your interest up!

Yes, Miracle Hash Product® can be yours . . . eventually . . . for this ridiculously low price, but only if you act now. Our operators are standing by 24 hours a day, so call 1-800-CASH-INN now! Tell the operator you want Miracle Hash Product®! What’s that number? 1-800-CASH-INN! What do you want? Miracle Hash Product®! It’s sophisticated, it’s smart, it’s affordable, it’s the gift everyone wants! What’s that number? 1-800-CASH-INN! What do you want? MIRACLE HASH PRODUCT®! Call now!

(MegaCorp Inc. claims no responsibility for delivering on the above “promises”; the dog ate my homework, my house burnt down, my computer crashed, I’m a hasher, I’m not making a cent off this yeah right, I’m not in this for the money yeah right, if you don’t say “Simon Says” in the subject line I won’t answer your mail, orders received on Friday may be filled in the 21st Century, all protests and complaints cheerfully ignored, Miracle Hash Product® is shipping this week yeah right)

On On!
You Know Who
Providing All Your Hashing Needs at MegaCorp Inc.
Center of the Hash Universe
Central Galaxy
Sun of the Solar System on the Edge of the Central Galaxy
Third Planet Out
Look for the Sign, “Hash Central”
Ignore Everyone Else, I’m It
Everyone Else, You Can All Quit and Go Home
I’m Here Now
Thanks For Starting All Those Wonderful Hash Pages & Magazines
But, Now That I’m Here . . .
Who Needs You?
MegaCorp’s Bigger and Better
Oh Yeah? Well, I’m Leaving Now and Taking My Ball With Me
Ha Ha! You Thought I Was Gone
But I Know Everything You’re Saying About Me
Miss Me? I’m Back!
What? Who Said That?
I Distinctly Heard Someone Say “Who Cares?”
Oh, My Heart!
I’ve Been FLAMED!
You Ungrateful Unhashlike Assholes
Flame Me, Flame the Hash
I AM the Hash
Why Doesn’t Everyone Like Me?
I Try so Hard . . . (sob)
I Know, it’s That Son of a Bitch Flying Booger
He Peed in My Down-Down Beer
He Put Giant Spiders in My Gym Bag
He Invented Magic Just to Torment Me
Are There Any Mental Health Professionals Reading This?
Would You Like Me Better If I Mailed More Advertising?
Anyway, This isn’t “Advertising”
My Customers ASKED Me to Send This to You
Really
Blah Blah Blah
Blah Fucking Blah . . .

Oh, stop already . . . too late . . . I’m gonna grrrrrrrallllllphhhhhh . . .

Ish!

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