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Ask Doctor Down-Down: March 2002

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

It may seem arrogant that I should assume that I should be the central keeper of the hash information, but when you consider how often I publish, how readily available I am for any inquiries, and how hard I work to keep my database up to date, you’ll have to agree that I am the World Hash Directory Keeper.

On On,
Stray Dog

Dear Mr. Dog,

I was contemplating my penis when your letter arrived, and was immediately struck by the similarity between the two. I began taking notes, and before you know it, I’d come up with ten reasons why mail from you resembles my dick:

10. Slightly twisted.
9. Usually doesn’t have a point; when it does, it’s stretched.
8. Seen one, seen ‘em all.
7. Owner gets so worked up, you’d think he was trying to give himself a stroke.
6. “Where’s the meat?”
5. Pisses on whatever’s in its line of sight.
4. Every time you think it’s done, out comes another drop.
3. Motivated by primitive, irrational urges.
2. Attracts scorn and derision when exhibited in public.
1. In spite of all the above, has extraordinarily high self-esteem.

On On,
Dr. Down-DownDear Dr. Down-Down,Besides drinking beer and singing another round of “Father Abraham,” what else can we do to keep the half-minds entertained before the hash? We hate to sing songs that we want to save for the On-In. Showing body parts is okay, but after you’ve seen them all a couple of times . . . well, the magic sorta fades, ‘specially if the body part is Penile Anchor’s or Flying Booger’s! Any suggestions? If you can help us, we promise never to invite you back to the AH3. On On,
Penile Anchor, Albuquerque H3
Dear Penile,

Some excellent pre-hash activities you can try are hydration, stretching, and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. A moment of prayer is another useful time-burner, and might even earn you a ticket to heaven!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

So whatcha been readin’ lately?

On On,
Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass)
Washington DC

Dear Barney,

Whinging letters from Stray Dog. Oh, you mean books? Well, kids’ schoolbooks actually – you see, last month I was elected to the school board, and I’m on the textbook committee. There’s a rash of new ones out you might enjoy as well:

Jessica’s Container has a Vagina
Dick & Jane Board the Craft
Pooh Eats His Pudding
Horton Hears a Voice
Matthew’s Real Father is “Do”
Raggedy Andy Likes Being Castrated
Our Friends, the Greys
Willy Wonka and the Crystal Pyramid
101 Dalmations Leave this Continuum
Madeline Realigns Her Life Force Vector
Babar Meets the Enlightened Communal Mind of Sirius
Johnny’s Not Afraid of the Alien Intestinal Probe
Little Purple Riding Shroud
Rebecca of Hydroponic Farm
The Interstellar Wind in the Hale Bopp Willows
Earthly Mouse, Next Level Mouse
Green Eggs and Black Nikes
Mommy Shaved Her Head
What’s in Your Suitcase?
Real Comets have Tails

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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