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Ask Doctor Down-Down: April 2002

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Just for your information, the letter about toe-sucking you answered a while ago (the one from Captain Crash of Seattle H3) was from a bimbo, not a wanker! However, your answer was rather creative.

On On,
Where’s (Seattle H3)

Dear Where’s (and Captain Crash),

Please accept my profound apologies. Had I realized that letter was from a woman, I would have FedEx’d myself to Seattle the very next day, lips puckered up for a big muddy suck!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Having experienced severe bouts of self-doubt recently, I decided to get to the root of things and face the problem hands-on. I disrobed and stood in front of a full-length mirror and spent hours studying every square and rounded inch of my body surface.

Then I turned around and faced the mirror and started doing the same thing.

I immediately noticed the root of the problem, and it occurred to me (believe it or not) that the FCC may have a job for me, ’cause I have this cable-like thing that is attached at only one end.

The questions that concern me now are:

  • Why is the cable only attached at one end?
  • Should the other end, based on current technology, be plugged into a signal receiving dish?
  • Have I grown a short circuit, or do I just need to get a good jump-start?

On On,

Dear kEEpsituP,

You dog, you’re talking about your dick again, aren’t you? Give this to your girlfriend. Now.

To KeEPsItUp’S girlfriend: The next time he does this, follow these instructions:

Go out to the garage and bring in the battery from your car and a set of heavy duty jumper cables. Clamp one end of the negative cable to the negative pole of the battery, then clamp the other negative end to KeepsITup’s scrotum. I would not recommend clamping it over a testicle; instead, I recommend clamping it to a fold of scrotal skin. Ignore KeepsITup’s protests for now, because you’re not done yet. Next, hook one positive jumper cable clamp to KeepsITup’s penis. Again, clamping a fold of skin is all that’s necessary; you don’t need to clamp it over the head or shaft. KeepsITup will be protesting vociferously at this point; once again, ignore him. Any bleeding is probably just designed to get your sympathy. Next, slowly move the other positive clamp toward the positive pole of the battery. Very slowly. He’ll promise to behave when you’re about four inches from the terminal. Of course, he’ll be lying, so keep moving closer. At two inches, he’ll really really no shit promise to behave. This time he’ll really mean it. Move the clamp about 1/4 of an inch closer and let the electricity arc from the battery to the cable and thus to KeepsITup’s misbehaving organs. Hey, he asked for a jump start!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I’m concerned that my boyfriend is becoming addicted to hashing, but I’m not sure. Are there signs or indications I should be looking for?

On On,
Concerned Girlfriend

Dear Concerned,

Try looking for the ten classical symptoms of hash addiction. If he exhibits three or more, you need to either get a new boyfriend or become a hasher yourself:

  • 10. Whistle indentation in middle of chest.
  • 9. Spends all night on the computer answering messages posted to Hash-L.
  • 8. Would rather pump a keg than you.
  • 7. Most of the numbers in his little black book end in “-HASH.”
  • 6. Caked flour in knuckle hair.
  • 5. Membership brochure from Fat Boys’ Athletic Club on top of dresser.
  • 4. Refuses to romantically sip champagne from your high heels unless you’ve been sweating in them all day.
  • 3. Introduces you to some guy named “ZiPpy.”
  • 2. You can’t find your plumber’s helper anywhere.
  • 1. “Beer hair.”

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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