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Ask Doctor Down-Down: May 2002

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

As we wind up for a soon-to-be-here Pub Crawl there have been numerous bets and accusations between the kennel members. The majority of these center around who will spew. Or spew three times. Or spew while singing. Or spew while dancing naked around the fire… etc ad nauseam. In taking the bets, there has been some concern over our judging of the actual spewing and the definitions to be used.

What constitutes an official spew? When do two or more spews, in conjunction, by the same person, count as a single spew? For instance: spewing, then three minutes or twenty paces later, spewing again. At which point does one spew end and another spew begin? And what defines the end of a drinking session? The spewing of all members or the unconsciousness of all members?

Please help us!

On On,
Call Girl, Minneapolis HHH

Dear Call Girl,

Can I say something first? Just an observation, no personal criticism implied?

You’re not exactly living a healthy lifestyle, there. There must be a generation gap when it comes to drinking. My generation of hashers drinks for pleasure . . . your generation drinks to spew. In my book, spewing and pleasure are two words that don’t go together!

But your letter reminds me that not all hashers, and indeed not all hashes, are the same. For the benefit of both of my readers, here’s a hash rating scale originally devised by my patients ZiPpY and PlayDoh Penis. I’d put Call Girl’s Minneapolis HHH in the R to NC17 area. Readers, what hash rating should your hash get?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

  • G-Rated Hash: Beer and snacks, sodas for non-drinkers, names like “Fuzzy Wuzzy,” songs like “He’s a Hasher, He’s True Blue,” new shoes okay, no one pukes, hash over in two hours.
  • PG-Rated Hash: Cases of beer, names like “Tits R Us,” songs like “Yogi Bear,” drink for new shoes, isolated mooning, one harriette turns green and has to sit down, hash over in four hours.
  • PG13-Rated Hash: Keg of beer, names like “Penis Breath,” songs like the “Limerick Song,” drink from new shoes, coed group mooning, two hashers discreetly vomit in the bushes, hash over in six hours.
  • R-Rated HHH: Multiple kegs, names like “Mother’s Little Dildo,” songs like “Fuck the Giant Penis,” new shoes thrown in bonfire, exposed tits and limited frontal nudity, organized target-vomiting, hash over when you have to go to work.
  • NC17-Rated Hash: Unlimited beer for $2.00, names like “Take it Up the Ass Like a Man,” songs like “The S&M Man,” no shoes allowed, nude trails, sex in dark corners, urination on passed-out hashers, pack extinguishes bonfire by puking it out, hash over when you call in sick.
  • X-Rated Hash: Break into a liquor store for Down-Downs; names that draw lighting bolts from the sky and turn their utterers into smoking pillars of salt; songs about fucking relatives, dead people, and animals; compulsory nudity; actual sex with shoes, persons of various genders, or creatures of another species; co-ed pelican drinking, hash over when they lock the paddy wagon door.

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