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Ask Doctor Down-Down: June 2002

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

Do you know the official words to the “Head Chant”?

On On,
Curious in Charlottesville

Dear Curious,

Here’s the version I know:

Head? Who said head?
I’ll take some of that!
Oooh-rah!And I did, and it was good.
And there was much rejoicing.
And then we fucked. We fucked for hours.
Uprooting trees, bushes, and flowers.
Frightening small children and woodland animals.
We fucked with power tools.
We fucked like Vikings, with horns on our head.Head? Who said head?
I’ll take some of that!
Oooh-rah!
But I don’t think there’s an “official” version – everyone seems to have his or her own version. Just look at the following letters!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Who said head?
That’s been on the list before.
Oooh-rah!
And it was old then, and it is older now.
I am not rejoicing.
This has been posted for years and years.
Clogging up e-mail lists and annoying me.
Don’t you ever read the FAQ?
Are you some kind of fool?
Why can’t you get the rules through your head?
Head? Who said head?
Shit, now I’m doing it.
Oooh-rah!
On On,
Thighmaster, Aloha HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Me? Who said me?
I’ll take some of that!
Oooh-rah!
And then you got e-mail from me.
And it was cause for much rejoicing.
You read me, what more do you need?
It’s all about me me me me ME MEMEMEMEME!
Who cares about anyone else?
All you need to read about is me.
Me, mine, and yours truly.
Me? Where am I brewed?
Is there a hash there?
Oooh-rah!
On On,
Access Denied, Maryland Dirt Road HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? What a concept!
You could talk me into some of that.
OoohDick!
Actually I haven’t had sex in years.
Nothing much to rejoice about.
But I think about it for hours at a time.
There’s something about the whole notion I find surreal.
Perhaps it’s all the hash bimbos I know.
Some of them I wouldn’t screw with Mr. Jackson’sDick!
Vaguely racist Chinese puzzle: Rumson fish dead but still attract pussy.
Fish! Rumson fish!
I’ll take a whiff of that!
OoohDick!
On On,
Elephant Dick, Rumson HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Here’s what Dave Barry said about head:
“I am not making this head up.”
“The Smoot-Headly Tariff.”
Rejoice! Look what I found on the Steven Wright list:
“You’re traveling at the speed of light and turn your headlights on. What happens?”
“I named my head Stay. I said ‘Come here, Stay.’ My head got confused.”
David Letterman had a top ten list of heads.
Drew Carey told a really gross one about this bum who screwed a headless dead woman.
Fifty reasons you shouldn’t give head in an elevator.
There was this priest, a Jewish lesbian, and a head, see?
Head? You want me to cross-post more head?
I got a million more where those came from.
Oooh-rah!
On On,
Sympathy Fuck, San Antonio HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? The head on my Mac never scratches the disk.
It’s perfect in every way!
Oooh-rah, Steve Jobs!
I go to Egghead.
I rejoice in Macular perfection, I linger there for hours.
I lurk behind tangerine-hued iMacs and sneer at PC lamers.
They are such cattle.
Not rugged individualists like moi.
Bill Gates has horns on his head.
Head? What’s that noise?
Jesus, my Mac just crashed!
Ooooh shit.
On On,
ZiPpY the Cyberpimp, Pikes Peak
HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Who said head?
Now that’s funny! (LOL!)
Oooh-rah :-)
And then we fucked!!!
Well, we tried to, but we were laughing too much.
We ROTFALOLed all night!!!
YGBSM!!! ;-)
We LOLed until TEOTWAWKI!
We LOLed with power tools (IMHO)
We LOLed with horns on our head!
Head? Who said head?
I’ll take some of that!
LOL!!!! ;-)
On On,
SpeedyCSlowly, Miami/Ft Lauderdale HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head. Gn hashing. Lv msg. On On,
Mr. Spock
Prepare for the Ultimate
San Diego Red Dress Thousand Year Reich
June 27, 3001

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

This Is You’re Lucky Day!!!!!
Want More $$Money$$ Then U Can $pend??
Than Rejoyce! You To Can
Make MILLION$!!! In Multi-Level Head Marketing!!!!!!!!!!!
On On,
Hash-L Spammer

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

There once was a man who said head,
He said it until he was dead.
He rejoiced in his fiddle,
And fiddled his diddle,
And painted his Viking horn red.
On On,
Specklebird, Limerick HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

There once was a man who said head,
He said it until he was dead.
Along came the S&M man with a big nasty drill,
And he bored a hole in his skull and fucked it
Heh heh heh heh heh
On On,
S&M Man, Cleveland HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Did you say head?
We’re not going there.
On On,
Your Wife

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Who said head?
I had a dream about that.
A weird one.
I was bare naked in the mall.
I was crawling on all fours.
You’d of thought every guy around would be rejoicing.
I was incredibly sexy and erotic and yet no one would look at me!
I screamed and shouted, I threw benches through windows.
I pitched a fit in front of the Cinema Eight.
And still not one head turned in my direction.
Not one head.
Is that what it’s like when you get old, Dr. Down-Down?
Shoot me now.
On On,
Pay Per View, White House HHH&H

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Who said head?
I’ll take some of that!
Oooh-rah!
And I did, and it was good,
And then the cops came . . .
On On,
8 Yellow Snow, Los Angeles HHH

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Head? Why talk about head?
Everybody does that.
Sheesh.
Let’s talk about “alot.”
People spell “alot” a lot.
They rejoice in their ignorance.
Which is proven by the fact that they never spell “alittle.”
And why do they keep sending attachments to hash-l?
I’d like to take a power tool to them.
I’d put a space between their “a” and “lot.”
Head? It was funny the first six million times.
And it still gets a chuckle, albeit
alittle one.
On On,
Flying Booger, Piss Boy

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