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Ask Doctor Down-Down: July 2002

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

‘splain to me something – why is it harriers wanna get their faces all in harriettes boobs? I just don’t get it. I’m in my yoga class tonight and again, like a dumbass I decided to get into the more challanging position from the “plow”. Picture this (thank goodness pics don’t exist) I’m basically rolled up in a ball upside down balancing on my shoulders and head. Do you know how hard it is to breathe with your tits in your face? Why do men wanna be there? Or do they have some opening at the top of their heads they breathe out of for those kind of things. Hmmm, now that really would cum in handy for something. . .

On On,
Pay Per View

Dear Pay Per View,

Does this mean you’ll be giving a sneak preview at the Ithaca Campout? Or are they already calling it the Ithaca Titzout?

PPV, let me ask you something - if you find yourself irresistibly attracted to something, don’t you want to put your face in it? I mean, look at women and kittens – first thing they’ll do is hold the little darlings up to their faces and nuzzle them. Puppies too. And what about cake? A fresh roll of Charmin? A bag of salt & vinegar chips? A bucket ‘o’ beer? Ben Affleck’s armpit? Face plant city! Hey, you’ll find a way to breathe.

Now, on to guys and breasts. Exactly what is a guy not supposed to like about breasts? They’re nature’s perfect secondary sex organs, not just inviting but encouraging – nay, demanding – facial sandwiching. You can appreciate their shape with your eyes. You can feel their firmness and texture with your hands. But you can’t savor the full breast experience until you’ve nuzzled right in there between them. Put your left tit over my shoulder, put your right tit over my shoulder – bla bla bla bla bla, bla bla bla bla, bla bla bla. It’s not just a song, it’s a credo.

I’m surprised women aren’t just as attracted to breasts as men are. They’re just so damn cute! Cuter than kittens, for sure.

You’ve got your ass men, your leg men, your tit men, even your foot men. Me, I’m a face man. I’ll put my face in your ass, your legs, your tits, your feet . . . ah hehn! Which reminds me, is there still room at Ithaca for me to pitch a tit, er, tent?

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Ms. View,

This is Flying Booger, speaking for the entire staff of the Holistic Healing Hospice. Please accept our sincere apologies for the Doctor’s unprofessional reaction to your very legitimate and serious problem. He has been under considerable strain lately as the Hospice sinks deeper and deeper into financial crisis. We didn’t know how serious things had gotten until we found this e-mail on the Doctor’s computer. It explains a great deal . . . not only the Doctor’s recent bizzarre behavior, but also our missing paychecks!

From: “drmdowndownonon4″ drmdowndownonon4@africamail.net
To: “Dr. Down-Down” doctor@half-mind.com
Subject: Urgent and Confidential!!!!
Date: Wed, 03 Apr 02 09:00:35 Nigeria Standard Time
REQUEST FOR URGENT ASSISTANCEPLEASE TO INTRODUCE SELF. I AM DR. MILTON M’DOWNDOWN ONON OF THE INTERHASH MISMANAGEMENT COMMITTEE. WE HAVE NOT MET; INDEED, YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AT RANDOM TO RECEIVE THIS REQUEST. I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. THIS IS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND ‘TOP SECRET’. I AM SURE AND HAVE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR ABILITY AND RELIABILITY TO PROSECUTE A TRANSACTION OF GREAT MAGNITUDE INVOLVING A PENDING TRANSACTION REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.I REPRESENT TOP OFFICIALS OF THE INTERNATIONAL HASH HOUSE HARRIER INTERHASH MISMANAGEMENT COMMITTEE WHO ARE INTERESTED IN INFLATING OUR PERSONAL WEALTH THROUGH THE OVERCHARGING OF HASHERS WISHING TO ATTEND INTERHASH 2002 IN GOA INDIA. WE HAVE BEEN HIDING THIS MONEY, MAINLY EARNED BY CHARGING UNSUSPECTING HASHERS US$250 FOR AN EVENT WHICH ACTUALLY WILL COST THE COMMITTEE LESS THAN US$1.5O PER ENTRANT, IN SECRET NIGERIAN ACCOUNTS. PRESENTLY WE HAVE MANY FUNDS IN NIGERIA, BUT FIND THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO ACCESS SAID FUNDS DUE TO REGRETTABLE DEVELOPMENTS. IN ORDER TO REGAIN ACCESS TO THESE FUNDS WE SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ENABLING US TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THE SAID FUNDS.

THE SOURCE OF THIS FUNDS IS AS FOLLOWS; DURING THE LAST INTERHASH IN TASMANIA, MISMANAGEMENT OFFICIALS SET UP OFF-SHORE ACCOUNTS AND MADE DEPOSITS WHICH WERE GROSSLY OVER-INDULGENT. NOW THAT THE WORLD HASH DATABASE DIRECTOR HIMSELF IS INVESTIGATING THE INTERHASH REGISTRATION MONEY TRAIL WE FIND THAT WE MUST MOVE THE NIGERIAN DEPOSITS BEFORE HE UNCOVERS THEM AND EXPOSES THE INTERNATIONAL SELF-SERVING FRAUD WE JOKINGLY CALL THE “GOA INTERHASH 2002 COMMITTEE.”

HOWEVER, BY VIRTUE OF OUR PROMINENT POSITION AS MEMBERS OF INTERHASH MISMANAGEMENT, WE CANNOT MOVE THESE FUNDS IN OUR OWN NAMES. I HAVE THEREFORE, BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF MISMANAGEMENT TO LOOK FOR AN OBSCURE OVERSEAS HASHER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT WE WOULD TRANSFER THE SUM OF US$21,320,000.00 (TWENTY ONE MILLION,THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). YOUR NAME WAS RECOMMENDED TO US BY A HASHER NAMED “ACCESS DENIED”; HENCE WE ARE SENDING YOU THIS E-MAIL. WE HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY THUS; 1. 20% FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER (YOU) 2. 70% FOR US (MISMANAGEMENT) 3. 9% TO BE USED IN STAGING INTERHASH 2002 IN GOA FOR HASHERS (SUCKERS) 4. 1% FOR ACCESS DENIED (RAT BOY). IT IS FROM THE 70% THAT WE WISH TO MAKE OUR POCKETS BULGE WITH.

PLEASE, NOTE THAT TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE AND WE HOPE TO COMMENCE THE TRANSFER LATEST SEVEN (7) BANKING DAYS FROM THE DATE OF THE RECEIPT OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIOM BY TEL/FAX;234-1-7740449, YOUR BANK’S NAME AND ADDRESS AND SIGNED DEPOSIT SLIP WITH THE TOTAL DEPOSIT AMOUNT LEFT BLANK. PLEASE INCLUDE ALSO A SIGNED WITHDRAWAL SLIP FOR YOUR ACCOUNT WITH THE WITHDRAWAL AMOUNT BLANK SO THAT WE CAN VERIFY YOUR SIGNATURE BY COMPARING IT WITH THE ONE ON YOUR DEPOSIT SLIP, YES, THAT IS THE VERY TICKET. WE WILL IMMEDIATEDLY DEPOSIT THE ABOVEMENTIONED INTERHASH REGISTRATION MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND WILL WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU THAT YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN CREDITED BEFORE WE DIVIDE THE MONEY AS PREVIOUSLY STATED.

WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING A TON OF MONEY WITH YOU WHILE PROVIDING HASHERS AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE FOR THEIR REGISTRATION FEES AND SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSATION. ESPECIALLY PLEASE DO NOT TELL U.S. POSTAL AUTHORITIES OR F.B.I. ABOUT THIS LEGAL AND COMPLETELY SAFE VENTURE. PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER USING THE ABOVE TEL/FAX NUMBERS. SO FAR THE SERIES OF OVERPRICED WORLD INTERHASHES HAS MADE THE INTERHASH COMMITTEE WEALTHIER THAN MANY INDUSTRIALIZED NATIONS. IF WITH YOUR MOST KIND HELP WE SUCCEED IN KEEPING THE WORLD HASH DATABASE DIRECTOR FROM DISCOVERING OUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME FOR ANOTHER TWO INTERHASHES WE WILL EASILY TRIPLE OUR MONEY, BUT YOU MUST SHARE THIS SECRET WITH NO ONE. HA HA HA HA HA.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
DR. MILTON M’DOWNDOWN ONON

NOTE; PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (VE/S/09/99) IN ALL YOUR RESPONSES.

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