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Ask Doctor Down-Down: September 2002

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

At a recent visit to a hash in a sweltering state, I encountered an annoying hash situation. Being of the heterosexual female gender, there’s nothing better than participating in on-afters at a Hooter’s “family” restaurant. Where else in public – other than a strip club and down-downs – can I be surrounded by excitable heterosexual men while I’m drinking beer? At any rate, an over-zealous female hasher whipped her tits out “for the boys” in the restaurant and ultimately got us all thrown out (one leaves, we all leave). I understand why some women might feel compelled to compete with Hooter’s girls, however most children and extreme feminists are not on this bandwagon. Hashing should be fun, not offensive. How can this situation tactfully be avoided in future on-afters?

On On,
Casual Friday

Dear Casual,

Once again, G’s wisdom stands the test of time. The answer is men-only hashing. This unpleasant situation would never have occurred at the Kuala Lumpur HHH!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down Down,

I’m fairly new to hashing but I’m really enjoying myself. I’ve read in your column and elsewhere that one of the few rules/traditions of hashing is “no poofters.” But my hash has a number of split hamster bean flickers and a few manly men if you know what I mean. Is the Hash “no poofters” rule really anti-same sex couplings or is no poofters a metaphor for shiggy wimps? or something else?

On On,

Dear Chokecollar,

There’s more than one answer to this one. First of all, the whole “no poofters” thing started with the Monty Python “Bruces” skit of the early 1970s and was adopted by hash groups in several English-speaking countries. Older and non-English-speaking hashers, however, would wonder what the hell you were talking about if you said “no poofters” to them.

When I joined the hash, no one asked me what my sexual preferences were. Then again, the fact that I showed up wearing red pumps, mascara, whip marks, and nipple clamps may have discouraged hashers from asking. If you first showed up with a girlfiend, especially if she was leading you around with a little chain attached to your choke collar, chances are most hashers wouldn’t have said anything to you, either – but we all love lesbians, and that’s how the real poofters – the gay guys – get their feet in the door. Ha ha just kidding. Sure, there are probably hash groups where poofters aren’t welcome, but it’s also true that many hash groups have gay and lesbian members, and I’ve never heard of a gay or lesbian hasher being asked to leave. When most of us say “no poofters,” what we mean is that hashing is not for sissies.

If you can’t tell whether your hash is homophobic or homo-friendly, here are some indicators to look for:

Top Ten Signs Your Hash is Tolerant of Sexual Diversity

10. Absence of “homo draggin’ chains” from rear bumper of beer van.
9. Hash is British and restricted to men only.
8. Hash hosts annual red dress run where men dress in drag.
7. Men who show up for annual red dress run get seriously into accessorizing.
6. When a harriette shows her tits at the circle, some harriers don’t look up from the beer keg.
5. When a harriette shows her tits at the circle, some harriettes do look up from the beer keg.
4. Hash bucket contains lite beer, shandies, wine coolers . . .
3. Rainbow-colored on-on foot stickers.
2. GM bursts into tears if everyone doesn’t pay attention.
. . . and the number one sign your hash is tolerant of sexual diversity is . . .1. Sound of felching drowns out “drink it down, down, down, down . . .”On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Dr. Down-Down, My hashing shoes are broke. Can’t wear them @ a hash. The only other option is to wear new shoes. No problem, you say? Well, my feet have six toes. An extra small appendage on the outside of each foot. If I have to do a down-down from a new Hash Shew, rhymes with Ewe, I’m afraid my tongue will grow a small appendage on whichever side, right or left, from whichever Shew I have to drink from @ the On-In. I guess that would be OK because the appendage would have a toe nail attached & I would be free of toothpicks & flossing forever. My problem: How would I trim my tongue’s appendage so as to prevent a large toe nail from protruding and making a cruel experience during cunnilingus?

On On,

Dear Mr. Ender,

Sexual diversity in the hash is one thing. Mutant perverts in the hash is another. Ewwww! Go away!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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