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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 2002

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Visitors often compare our hash to theirs in unfavorable ways. Why do visiting hashers behave this way?

On On,
Offended Host

Dear Host,

You’ve touched on one of my pet peeves. If it makes you feel any better, just tell yourself that some visitors simply have no manners and let it go at that. Better yet, make copies of the following multiple-choice quiz and give it to visitors when they first arrive, before they start bitching:

What Do Visiting Hashers Actually Mean When They Say _____________?

1. Gee, we do things differently in the __________ Hash.

a. Our trail symbols are different.
b. We have a lot of rules back home.
c. Our hash names are more risque than yours.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

2. You don’t mail hash trashes to visitors?

a. You don’t mail hash trashes to visitors?
b. I was at a hash once where they did that, and it was cool.
c. I wish you would take my address and mail me a hash trash even though you’ll never see me again and I won’t return the favor.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

3. In the __________ Hash the bimbos get naked at every down-down.

a. I heard that some hashes are really wild, but I’m still looking for one.
b. I saw a woman naked once, but it was my mother, and it was only for a second.
c. I wish my hash were half as much fun as this one is.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

4. You guys don’t believe in marking trail, do you?

a. I got lost.
b. I wasn’t paying attention.
c. I followed some shortcutter and got really lost.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

5. Are all your trails this short?

a. God, I’m glad that was a short trail!
b. That was really fun.
c. I’m so glad that wasn’t a ball-buster like we have at home.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

6. In the __________ Hash, the hares spend weeks planning trails.

a. Well, one hare does, but he’s retired and doesn’t have a life anyway.
b. I’ve never hared a trail in my life.
c. I heard about this really awesome trail someone laid, but I wasn’t there that day.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

7. In the __________ Hash, we never have more than one hare, and we always do live trails.

a. But most of the time the hare shows up three hours early and pre-lays 90% of the trail.
b. I’ve never hared a trail in my life.
c. Don’t intend to do one any time soon, either.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

8. You have walkers in your hash?

a. Well, at least there’s no chance of me being DFL.
b. We have walkers too, but I’m not going to admit it.
c. I’d walk myself if I wasn’t trying to impress your harriettes.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

9. You guys sure know a lot of songs!

a. If you won’t sing “he’s true blue” over and over, I won’t know the words.
b. At least they all end with “drink it down, down, down, down!”
c. I love hearing new songs but I’m too lazy to learn any.
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks.

10. Oh, boy, Milwaukee’s Best!

a. Yum, cold beer!
b. This beer sucks (but I’ll drink it).
c. Your hash buys the same cheap shit my hash buys (and I’ll drink it).
d. Your hash is not exactly like my home hash in every detail, therefore it sucks (but I’ll drink your beer).

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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