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Ask Doctor Down-Down: November 2002

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I used some temporary haircolor to dye my hair black for this year’s 9th annual DC Red Dress hash. It’s the kind that’s supposed to cum out in 24 washings. Well, here it is a month later and it’s still black. That’s even after eight days in the Carribbean (which I thought would lighten it up some). What’s a bimbo to do with her hair? Do you know of anything that will strip the color without damaging my locks? Or should I just drink more beer and forget about it?

On On,
Pay Per View

Dear Ms View,

Dear me, I thought you were a brunette! Wasn’t your hair black at InterAm? Or did I overlook those subtle auburn highlights? Sorry if I didn’t notice . . . I was busy starting at another part of your anatomy (ah-hehn). But you have a question, so enough small talk! Yes, I can recommend an excellent shampoo, conditioner, and color stripper all in one. Urine! The Eskimos have used it for centuries. And the best part is, the more piss you drink, the more piss you have to wash your hair with! My own hair is a much lighter shade now, ever since Nurse Wretched started giving me golden showers HEY let go of me what the HELL are you doing HELP . . .

. . . Dear Ms View,

Please forgive the doctor . . . he hasn’t been himself since he discovered internet porn. Is there anyplace left on earth where they don’t have DSL hookups? The doc needs detox!

On On,
Flying Booger
Clinic Piss Boy (now I know what he means by that!)

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I understood “headgear” included hats, sunglasses, visors, and hoods. Recently I pulled the front of my sweatshirt (while I was still wearing it) over the head of a hasher during his down-down, and therefore he was caught wearing “headgear” and had to pay the price. C’mon . . . was that really “headgear”?

On On,
Miss Head

Dear Miss Head,

There’s a type of down-down I call the “RA Option.” In other words, if the RA decides you’re going to do a down-down, tradition will be stretched to fit. Old shoes magically become new, improbable acts that never occurred (and which would have been physically impossible in the first place) become historical fact, imaginary sins against hash etiquette become heinous reality. Surely you have observed this as well? If the RA says it’s headgear, it’s headgear.

Of course in your case, in order to pull the front of your sweatshirt over that hasher’s head while you were still wearing it, your boobs would have to have been wrapped around each side of his head, and if earmuffs ain’t headgear, I’m not Doctor Down-Down!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

What can you do about a long-time hasher who’s managed to piss off about half of the kennel with a variety of money-related shenanigans, including shorting the pack tab at the On-In and taking extra from the sub-hash cash for supplies at a trail. The hasher has also driven off a few prospective virgins with obnoxious behavior and has bragged about bringing a concealed weapon on trail, and has often blamed the mismanagement for f*cking up a trail that the hasher didn’t plan properly (involving a water crossing). The other half of the kennel is basically indifferent to this hasher, either through infrequent hashing or avoiding the hasher when present.

The hasher is unlikely to stop hashing, and the negative energy being generated about the hasher is bringing many of the pack down-do you have any suggestions on how we can reach detente with this person?

On On,
Frustrated Mismanagement Member

Dear Frustrated,

Bad Dr. Down-Down would think of some way to make light of this. Unfortunately, Good Dr. Down-Down is sitting on my shoulder tonight (who the hell does he think he is, Jimminy Cricket?). Good Dr. Down-Down says you should get serious answers for serious problems, which means those of you looking for something funny should keep on movin’ . . . there’s nothing to see here.

Hashers don’t like to hang this sort of dirty laundry on the line, so unfortunately there isn’t a lot of ”hash wisdom” out there to help us deal with situations like these. When I started hashing, I wanted to believe all hashers were wonderful people. I quickly learned otherwise. Your problem, you might be suprised to learn, is not that uncommon . . . a lot of hashes have had members who were so troublesome they eventually had to be chucked out, and IMHO that is what you’re going to have to do here . . . chuck him out.

My own home hash recently banned a troublemaker. What made it especially hard was that our problem child was also our founder. Although he’d done more than his share of great things, seeing a fledgling hash through lean times and making it a success, he couldn’t keep his hands off the harriettes. It went from being a joke to something much more serious, and had gotten to the point where harriettes were staying away from the hash – one had gone so far as to take out a restraining order on him. In light of his repeated assaults on harriettes, we had to do two very hard things: one, we had to admit to ourselves that, founder or no, we couldn’t live with his behavior any longer; and two, we had to tell him face to face he was no longer welcome at our hash. It was horrible. It was harsh. It was right.

You said a couple of things that caught my attention. First was that this hasher is unlikely to stop hashing, and second, that he bragged about carrying a concealed weapon on trail. The fact that your bad apple likes to hash means that hints and cold shoulders aren’t going to do the trick. The bit about the concealed weapon is about as clear a signal you’re ever going to get that you need to get rid of this guy, and now. In my admittedly-limited experience, people who carry weapons (I assume we’re talking about a pistol here) and brag about it are looking for an excuse to use the weapon, and sooner or later they’ll find one.

You’ve got to tell him he’s no longer welcome at your hash. Have a mismanagement meeting first to decide whether enough of you are willing to admit that you can’t live with this guy any longer. If so, then you need to pick a spokesperson to tell him. You might even consider taking out a restraining order of your own – that would have been our next step if our bad apple hadn’t left when we told him to. It’s ugly, it’s hard, and you’re all going to feel like a pack of little shits afterward – but not for long, once he’s gone. Be strong.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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