Dear Doctor Down-Down,
The Sierra Vista Red Dress Run is coming up this Friday, and I have been contemplating shaving various parts of my body (arms, legs, chest etc . . .) for a particularly low cut red dress. What is the proper etiquette to ask a harriette to shave your ass? What to do about the duration when the hair starts to grow back (it’s so itchy)? Electric raiser or not? Can whipping cream be used as shaving cream?
Hey, if you’re going to shave, don’t stop with your arms, legs, and chest . . . shave everything! Once you make this decision, your first problem is solved. Most harriettes find the prospect of shaving a man’s ass about as exciting as trimming their own mustaches, but if you offer them the added incentive of running a sharp blade over your quivering pudenda, they’ll jump at the chance. Make sure the harriette you pick doesn’t have a grudge against you, however. And for God’s sake, don’t fart while she’s operating.
Itching is inevitable when body hair grows back. You’ll have to find some way to distract yourself during this period. I recommend borrowing Access Denied’s dog. There’s nothing like canine fellatio to take your mind off itching. The alternate, of course, is to continue shaving your body for the rest of your life. Personally, I’d pick the pooch.
What is this “electric raiser?” I don’t understand. Are you impotent, too? My raiser is pump-actuated.
I don’t recommend using whipping cream in place of shaving cream. You may want to have some handy, however, to get the dog interested.
Dear Doctor Down-Down,
This may not be too heavy of an issue, but it is a bit odd. In the winter, when I’m in bed, I need to wear socks to keep my feet warm. I absolutely cannot sleep if they are cold. In the summer, however, I can’t stand having a sheet covering my feet if it’s too warm. In moderate weather I have no problem with a sheet and/or blanket covering my feet, though. Is this normal? Is this odd? Is this the beginnings of a deeply rooted complex that will take years of therapy to diagnose?
p.s. Evidently, when I am tired, I touch my bellybutton with my index or middle finger. My 16-month-old daughter is doing it now, too! Is that crazy or what?
Dear Mr. Bird,
According to the studies of my colleague, Dr. Kinsey, all men (and most women) begin regulating the temperature of their feet when they reach puberty, and in most cases continue to do so until they are quite elderly. It’s nothing to worry about, and quite natural. On the other hand, it’s extremely rare to encounter navel touching in anyone beyond the age of infancy. Your daughter will most likely stop touching her navel when she is three or four – the fact that you still touch yours doesn’t mean you’re crazy. A pervert, certainly, but not crazy.
It’s time to rip off The Onion:
Ask a North Korean Hereditary Dictator
Dear Lodestar of the Twenty-First Century,
My hashing shoes are broke. Can’t wear them at a hash. The only other option is to wear new shoes. No problem, you say? Well, each of my feet have an extra small appendage on the outside of each foot – a sixth toe. If I have to do a down-down from a new Hash Shoe, I’m afraid my tongue will grow a small appendage. I guess that would be OK because the appendage would have a toe nail attached and I would be free of toothpicks and flossing forever. My problem: How would I trim my tongue’s appendage so as to prevent a large toe nail from protruding and making a cruel experience during cunnilingus? No sense in having a Harriettte screaming instead of moaning at a hash.
Dear War-Mongering Running Dog of Yankee Imperialism,
The u.s. is to totally blame for the hard-won atmosphere of peace and reunification waning and the tensions increasing from the onset of the new century. The showdown between the DPRK and the u.s. and the north-south confrontation can never be defused nor can peace on the Korean peninsula and global peace and security be guaranteed unless the u.s. drops its hostile policy towards the DPRK and pulls its forces out of south Korea. There is neither reason nor justification for the u.s. to keep its forces in south Korea any longer now that the cold war era is over and the world greeted a new century. The u.s. persistent insistence on its forces’ continued presence in south Korea would only more saliently reveal its true colours as the enemy of peace and invite international isolation and self-destruction. The u.s. is well advised to face up to the trend of the times towards independence in the new century and properly understand the mindset of the world people, drop its hostile policy towards the DPRK at an early date and pull its forces out of south Korea.
Kim Jong Il
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