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Ask Doctor Down-Down: January 2003

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

In almost eight years of hashing, I keep having dreams about this great trail through the woods by my home. I do have some wooded areas by my house but this place doesn’t exist; I would know about it by now. Last night I had another dream about this place. I was innocently hiking through the area when I came across Ivy Licker and Poop Deck setting trail (dead hare). Ivy was on the other side of a stream and was thinking about changing trail cuz it was really deep, so I led her to a good crossing. After that I continued on with them, becoming another hare for the day. We came across the house with the really cool pool in the middle of nowhere that had previously been abandoned in all my dreams before, it was fixed up and had kids running around this time. Some of the details I remember are pretty amazing – like popping out on a dirt road along a horse farm, an office complex close to where trail ends, etc. It would really freak me out if I was at another hash one day and had déjà vu – Hey wait a minute, I set this trail in my dreams! Is this normal or am I I really a freak? Do other hashers (or people in general) have recurring dreams of being in a place they’ve never been?

On On,
Pay Per View

Dear Ms View,

Indeed, hashers (and people in general) often dream of being in places they’ve never been. Why, just last night I was dreaming of being between a pair of lovely breasts. Can you guess whose? A-hehn!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Ms View,
I was going to ask you to forgive Dr. Down-Down, but you know what? I had the same dream!
On On,
Flying Booger, Piss Boy

Dear Ms View,
Nurse Wretched here. I dream of you often, baby. I’ve got a nice wooded area of my own, so why don’t you drop by some day and I’ll show you my “office complex.”
On On & XXXXXX,
Nurse Wretched

Dear Ms View,
I am needing this place to get out of. Is too strange now here. Is room in your dream for one-legged orphan girl from Bosnia? I bring own crutch!
On On,
Sally, Charperson

Dear Hashers,

Okay, I’m better now. Yow, that harriette turns me on! But back to business . . . you know I rarely say anything political in this column, but I read an article in today’s newspaper that profoundly disturbed me, and I think that if you care about hashing at all, will disturb you too. Read it and see what you think.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Hashers’ Reaction to Controversial Gispert
Ruling Generally Hostile

San Francisco (AP) The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals today ruled that American members of the Hash House Harriers cannot be compelled to say the name (or nickname) of their founder, A. S. Gispert, aka “G,” with reverence. “Reverence implies worship,” said Federal Magistrate Charles MacIntosh Baumerich, “and worship is religion. If you can require members of this clearly non-religious group to speak one name above all others in tones of reverence, why, you might as well ask Americans to drop their voice one octave when saying ‘George Washington,’ or force members of the International Order of Odd Fellows to kneel when uttering Thomas Wildey’s name.

The court’s ruling, as expected, was met with howls of protest from American hashers (as Hash House Harriers are informally known), who vow to continue speaking Gispert’s name with reverence. Several U.S. Hash House Harrier groups have announced plans to erect shrines to G’s memory. “It just ain’t right,” Rumson (New Jersey) hasher Gil Jackson declared, as he carefully placed an empty can of beer in front of a framed black and white photo of Gispert, “them bastards have gone too far.” “Fuckin’ A,” replied fellow Rumsonite Robert Reid, after leading a ragtag hash choir in an off-key rendition of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot: “Who says we ain’t harrrrrrrrugh . . .” excusing himself as he succumbed to a racking violent fifteen-minute coughing spasm, hawking up at least a quart of discolored blood-flecked phlegm before sinking weakly to his knees, grimly clutching this reporter’s arm with a talon-like, liver-spotted hand. “Ah Christ,” he whispered between post-spasm wheezes, “I gotta quit jerkin’ off so fuckin’ much.”

Reaction around the world has been mixed. “This just goes to show Americans have completely lost trail,” said prominent Asian hasher Dirty Dingus of Singapore. “Why, in this part of the world,” Mr. Dingus went on, “G is right up there with Buddha.” In Europe, a hastily organized committee of hashers has been formed to carefully vet Gispert’s background and ancestry. “As soon as we can verify G was not Jewish,” said a Eurohash spokesman, “we will resume a full worship schedule.” In Goa, India, where the world hash community recently held its biennial “interhash” convention, the American court’s ruling – and American hashing in general – was greeted with scorn: “The situation is risible,” said interhash organizer James Waddell, “proving without a doubt that the Yanks can never be trusted with positions of leadership within the hash,” as his voice was gradually drowned out by a chorus of horned expatriates in Viking costumes singing “spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. . . .”

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