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Ask Doctor Down-Down: February 2003

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Recently, I ran with a hash in another state, and they had a runner who blew a “hash horn.” What a fabulous idea! It elevated the excitement of the chase for the pack . . . and at the same time announced to the hares where the pack was on trail. Is this a hash tradition, and if so, where on Earth was it started? I’d like to blow something besides a whistle!

On On,
Casual Friday
jHavelina HHH, Tucson, AZ, USA

Dear Ms Friday,

Ah, you reminded me of a great old song:

Grandfather had a horn on the day he was born,
It was always his pleasure and pride,
But it dropped, shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died.
They don’t make horns like that any more! But you ask about the tradition of hash horns, and I can confirm that it’s an old tradition, and one that predates hashing itself. You don’t see many hash horns in the USA, but elsewhere in the world the hash horn is not only common, it’s often an appointed position of mismanagement. And yes, it’s a great tool for keeping the pack together and in good spirits, and quite demoralizing to the hares. So let’s hear it for the horn!On On,
Dr. Down-Downp.s. If you’re tired of blowing that whistle, I’ve got a horn you can blow . . . a-hehn!Dear Doctor Down-Down,

To your knowledge, has there ever been a top ten list of reasons to hash? Or, has there ever been a top ten list of reasons to come up with a top ten list of reasons to hash? If not, do you think we should make one up? Or better yet, do you think we should think about making one up? By the way, what’s for supper?

On On,
Big Hammer
Lion City HHH, Singapore

Dear Mr. Big,

You know what? You’re right! I did a little research, and it turns out no one has ever sat down to figure out the top ten reasons to hash. So I did a little more research, and based on the opinions of our clinic’s staff, here are the . . .

Top Ten Reasons For Hashing

10. They always said you’d never amount to much.

9. Taking hot showers with poison ivy – ohgodohgodohgodYES!

8. If you hang around with hashers long enough, you eventually get to see what they look like with their clothes on.

7. Hanging from trees halfway down cliffs, just like Sarge in Beetle Bailey.

6. Those childhood melodies will never have the same meanings again!

5. Telling the police someone else is in charge, but you can’t remember his name.

4. You just can’t get enough of that Pabst Lite!

3. Naked coed butt chugs.

2. Sitting on the ice long enough for the pig snout to poke up between your cheeks.

. . . and the Number # 1 Reason to Hash is . . .

1. Pig shit! And up to your knees!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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