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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 2003

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Owing to the season (this happens almost every year), the possibility has come to my attention that a hash could take place on a religious holiday during which consumption of food and drink is prohibited. To that end, I went to Rabbi Down-Down to request a dispensation. The good Rabbi indicated to me that Rabbis don’t deal in dispensations, and that he would have to consult Father Down-Down for further discussion as to whether Father D would or could issue a dispensation regarding such a delicate matter. As Hash literature would have it, and lots of other literature too, the only place Father Down-Down and Rabbi Down-Down could meet was in a bar. “A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.” At any rate, the big issue is this: Hashing makes me thirsty, but it does not necessarily make me hungry, with the exception of a certain hash, of which I am quite fond, which starts at 5:00 in the afternoon, so that by the time I’m done, I’m so hungry I eat a whole bag of chips, which makes me even more thirsty than normal. I could, on religious holidays, be convinced not to consume the chips, but well, hashing is sort of a religion which I practice, and beer drinking is a ritual. So far, the Rabbi and the Priest are still in the bar. It’s been three months! This year, I’ve signed up to run the Yom Kippur 10K, which has no water stops. If I survive, will I be able to hash next year when Yom Kippur is on a hash day?

On On,
Yoda

Dear Yoda,

Oy gevalt! The questions you ask, such a headache I get! Let it be known that officially, the Hash recognizes only two religious holidays: Gispert’s Birthday (July 31st) and Gispert’s Memorial Day (February 11th), and that we not only hash but also eat, drink, and make merry on both days. By the way, I went to the bar to see what the Rabbi and the Priest were up to, and found them entertaining the crowd. The Rabbi pulled a jumper cable out of his pocket and the Priest yelled “Don’t you start anything with me!” Then the Rabbi took the lace off his shoe and held it up. “Are you a string?” asked the Priest. “No, I’m a frayed knot!” answered the Rabbi. Then a Mullah walked into the bar, and I left.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

You know (maybe you don’t), this goes back to that Zen thing; sometimes the trail sets itself no matter where you intend for it to go. Hotblood set one once for the Trash; it didn’t go on private property, but somehow once the pack was out there, the trail disappeared, so the pack took a shortcut through some PP. Doncha know the hooker came out of the double-wide onto her deck in her black negligee, waving her pistol, shouting that we were trespassing, she was calling the cops, etc (of course I’m the one who got stopped, but that’s another story). On trail or not, maybe it’s the hasher’s responsibility to make sure he/she/it doesn’t cross private property? Just because the trail goes there, does it mean you have to go? Ask any short-cutting bastard, and he’ll tell you a resounding “NO!”

On On,
Teats de Swamp, FBAC, UFNP

Dear Ms Teats,

Normally I subscribe to the “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” philosophy. But when it comes to setting trail I go the other way: “better to ask for permission first.” When I hare I avoid private property. If I’m a member of the pack, however, and trail goes on private property, I assume the hare got permission to do that. If an irate property owner confronts me, I’ll tell him I thought our “club” had permission to run there. If he’s still irate, I tell him I’ll personally read the riot act to our “run organizers.” If he demands to know the name of our “club,” I tell him we’re the Gay & Lesbian Cross-Country Runners for Christ. Ha ha! I’m lying about that last part, as you probably guessed. Actually, I tell him we’re members of the Tucson Roadrunners, and I always carry a few of their cards to hand out (you can pick up local Roadrunner chapter cards at any runnning shoe store). That’s a Zen thing too, and it usually works.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Just a few months ago, I got married to a lovely harriette I have been dating for over two years. Everything has been fine, except she now refuses to buy her own haberdashery. Her reasoning: “Why do we need two of everything, I’ll just wear yours.” With any other clothing this is fine; heck I find her thongs to be far more comfortable than my tattered boxers. Yet, something deep inside of me says that sharing my hash t-shirts is wrong. Not just wrong, but contrary to the genetic codes which have been passed down through the Ages from one generation to the next. Is there any hope for us?

On On,
Tom in Texas

Dear Tom,

Okay, let me get this straight . . . she’ll wear anything of yours, but although you’ll wear her thong, you draw the line at sharing t-shirts? No, there is no hope for you. Send her to me.  And tell her to bring her thong and t-shirts.

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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