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Ask Doctor Down-Down: October 2004

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

As a recent hashing virgin, I must say I am more than a little anxious to start speaking like one. This leads me to ask that you go into a little bit on how to use the various “On’s,” “Down’s,” and “In’s.” If this is something that requires experience to learn (taught rather than explained), just say so – I don’t want to break any traditions or unwritten rules. Thanks and here’s hoping this question doesn’t get me scolded . . .

On On,
Lexically Challenged
Lexington HHH

Dear Challenged,

New hashers often have trouble with hashing phraseology. To help you and others like you, here are translations of a few well-known hashing phrases:

  • Are You: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
  • Bad Trail: My hovercraft is full of eels.
  • Checking: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
  • Down-Down: You great poof.
  • FRB: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected.
  • Grandmaster: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
  • On-On: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait ’til lunchtime.
  • On-In: My nipples explode with delight!

Actually, these phrases are advanced and of little use in most hashing situations. Personally, I use them only in the circle, and then only with experienced hashers. If you want to build up your everyday hashing vocabulary, you should study the Half-Mind Hashing Dictionary.

Once you’ve mastered the basic hashing vocabulary, you should strive to speak like a true hasher. To speak like a true hasher you must speak like an Englishman, because the English invented hashing (as they constantly remind us).

You never whine about the trail, you whinge about it. Harriers are wankers or blokes, and harriettes are birds, tarts, or slags. Most social discourse in the hash is directed toward shagging or at the very least snogging, that is if you’re not too pipped after a cracking good trail. But if you show your goolies or willie to the harriettes, well, Bob’s your uncle, as they say, as long as you remember to pack a French letter. If your sexual advances come a cropper and she gets her knickers in a twist, you may get gobsmacked. It’s not all beer and skittles, you know, old chap.

But before you get to the sex you have to get to the piss, so queue up for a nice tankard of bitter. Yes, sometimes it seems it’ll take a fortnight to reach the bucket, but don’t throw a wobbly, that’s not cricket. If you do, your mates will tell you to naff off. Can’t wait? You can always join the ladies for a shandy. If you’re peckish, there’s usually another queue for crisps and biscuits.

Ere, wot’s this? Flying Booger tells me the Yanks invented hashing. Bloody hell, what a load of ballocks. The Yanks know bugger all about hashing, the sods.

Well, I’m quite knackered out. It’s time I knocked up Nurse Wretched.

Cheerio and On-On*,
Doctor Down-Down

*Secondary meaning of On On: My postillion has been struck by lightning.

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

While reviewing a medical record of one of our patients, I came across the following progress note:

“Home visit made on 8/19/98. Pt has still not done hemoccult on stools yet. States he keeps forgetting, but will get to it soon. Pt admits he is still eating raised flour, not plain flour raw about 2-3 tsp. at a time. He states he smells flour, even when sitting outside, and it gives him the craving to go get some flour and eat it. After a couple of tsp., the craving goes away.” 

My ? is…should I invite this patient to our next Hash?

On On,
Roach Nuts

Dear Mr. Nuts,

You would not make such fun of hunger, I am thinking, because you are not knowing how hard it is in Bosnia, especially if you are not a Serbian. There was a time when I was glad to eat flour, raised or flat, such was my craving. If it were not for Sarajevo Hash House Harriers, who allowed me to lick up their trail and then mailed me jokingly to Dr. Down-Down in America, I would not be answering silly letters today! So please do not be too much fun of hunger making.

On On,
Sally the One-Legged Orphan Girl from Bosnia
Charperson, Dr. Down-Down’s Holistic Healing Hospice

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